Monday, 18 February 2013

I woke this morning to the sound of both my boys snoring. Wonderful. I rarely wake before them but the busy day they had yesterday caused them to sleep in this morning until 7:00am, fabulous.

It was the usual start to a Monday morning, lunches, uniforms and the mayhem of getting ready for school. I like this business because it keeps me from thinking. Thinking about Jayden. I'm so focused getting the kids organised that I'm able to give my mind a rest.

Unfortunately as soon as its done and I'm walking to school with my kids, its there again. Watching all the mums with their children, knowing they don't have what I have in my mind. Wishing I were them.

An incident with a mum in the classroom and I'm a bucket of tears again at home. Danny and I talked about how we spend our days fighting back the thoughts and feeling that lie deep inside just so we can get through the day. It's like a constant fight with your emotions. Somedays you win that fight but most days you lose.

Today I decided to get focused yet again and chase up a councillor. its clear I'm not coping although I can't imagine how anyone does in these circumstances. I also emailed Dr Goldman about my concerns from the seminar and emailed Dr Nick also.

There's other things I want to try to help me cope that people have suggested but its just finding the time. Really appreciate all the suggestions and am slowly following up on them.

Jayden and I went to Gymbaroo today but almost didn't as my good friend and neighbour couldn't go. Jayden was not happy going without her and i have to say i was a little nervous myself. but we went and we had a good time. I had to focus on being there with Jayden and not look at everyone else because when i did it made me sad. At times i watched the other kids his same age steady on their feet, running no problems and its a big reminder of jaydens condition. I know that being unsteady on his feet is the least of our worries but it still pains me to see him struggle. Although in saying that he had no problems getting around in the gym and putting 100% effort into everything. He made me laugh so many times with his enthusiasm and determination to keep going after every fall or slip. True soldier.

We came home one hour later and grabbed a coffee on the way. Chilled out with some lunch and a bit if TV and then he helped me fix dinner. He's such beautiful company and I just love him near me. He oozes life and I just love being in his space. It's my medicine to get through this nightmare.

Luke came home from school unwell. I didn't realise he was so ill until I took his temperature and it was high. Gave him some Panadol and sat with him in front of the TV. Poor little mite. He gets so forgotten in this whole mess and I can't believe it took me so long to realise he was unwell. A day home from school for him tomorrow and I'm glad of that. Miss them so much when they are not here.

I went for a walk today and its the first bit if exercise I've done in sometime. Definitely needed and it helped a lot. Dr Nick rang shortly after I came back and I have to say it was the best conversation I have ever had with him. Truly needed it. He assured me not too worry about Luke and just made me feel like he understood my concerns and it was just really nice to talk to someone I think.
Most days I don't speak to anyone except danny can be very lonely especially when Danny is such a man of few words. And I mean, few words.

Everyone is now all in bed tucked up and asleep and I'm about to join them. A very dear friend of mine emailed me the other day and wrote that someone had told her once that cancer doesn't take a day off. No truer words have been written to me. There is no day off in this journey. No break, no length of time where you aren't hoping, praying that Jayden will be ok. No length of time where we aren't worried his cancer will return. No real way of knowing how hard this is unless you walk these shoes.

Today I can go to sleep with an easier mind but my heavy heart will always remain.

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