Friday, 8 February 2013

Jayden vomited again this morning. I'm worried. I don't think I can stop worrying.
I dropped the kids off at school today and all I could think about was Jayden.
As I left the school grounds I saw my neighbour across the road and she asked me how I was, "fine" I said, but she knew otherwise. She embraced me in a big hug. She knows. She knows I feel like crap and she knows I hurt like hell. Tears welled up in my eyes and I wondered what I would have done without her throughout this awful nightmare. Her understanding, compassion and her intuitiveness to know when I need a hug. I truly love her, so does Jayden. We broke from the hug to a sound that made us both laugh, long story but it was funny. Weird feeling being so sad but laughing.
I walked home from her house and composed myself before going inside to see my beautiful little man who was playing Lego with his dad. Beautiful. Love seeing them together.
Not long after I had to leave again as I had an appointment to see the doctor for myself this time.  Just a few things I wanted to get checked. I didn't have to wait long upon arriving and was soon sitting in the doctors room.  This Doctor I have known for some time. She is a lovely woman whom knows our story and I trust her, shes kind, compassionate and just one of those doctors you know truly cares. Most should. But I have met the odd one that I question why they ever entered that field of work.
Anyway we talked about my stuff but mostly about Jayden. I found myself balling my eyes out at the sheer mention of the past year, his treatment, procedures and our life now. We also talked about the naturopaths diet and treatment and how I was feeling about it all.
Whoever we talk to gives us a different take on treatment after cancer or even before and its certainly hard to know what to think let alone what to do. We want to do the right thing by Jayden and I am certain making sure he eats well is a big positive and its so very important for our other kids too.
But what she did say that stuck in my mind was this "That time that you have in the morning with your son for your cups of tea is special, and if you were to only have him in your life for another couple of years then wouldn't you be grateful you had that time? and if he lives for a very long time then those are the moments he will remember too. That little boy of yours has been through so much already and those moments are important". I think shes right. Putting a little bit of milk back in his diet so he can have those moments back with me, is important. We will stick to everything else to the button but I think if tomorrow he asks to have his cup of tea with me then we are going to have it.
Writing this now is making me cry. Having to think so hard over such a simple thing is sad. Why we just cant get on with our lives without worrying about every single thing is really sad. Hes always been a good healthy eater and would opt for a piece of capsicum over a biscuit any day but I now found myself stressing over mealtimes, trying desperately every day to get it right. Every morning we try to get him to drink a freshly squeezed juice as well but He hates them all. We keep on trying new ones, but its hard. It shouldn't be this difficult but hes two and its tricky. I hate that it is so hard because we are already living an incredibly stressful life, difficult enough to get through the days without falling to bits, let alone anything else.
I miss my old life, there is no doubt about that.
Its late now and everyone is asleep, I know I should be but my mind wont stop thinking. I go to sleep every night with my last thought being of Jayden and my first thought in the morning the same. I lay watching him sleep next to me in our bed and I pray and hope that I will never see that space empty unless it is because he is old enough to want to sleep in his own bed. 
When people ask me how he is I tell them he is good. He is. Hes great, the best. He manages to keep me smiling, make me laugh and keeps me busy. His spirit lifts mine everytime I see his smile and  his cuddles melt my heart. He is truly my hero and I love him, like all my kids, more than anything.
My kids, my world.  

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