Wednesday, 27 February 2013


I woke up to the sound of my beautiful little mans voice in my ear " mummy, get up". I turned to face him, give him a big cuddle and with his hand on the back of his head he said "lots of hair mum". Yes, beautiful little man he does have lots of hair. He so knows how to make me smile. He keeps me smiling all day. When he's in a room he lights it up. His sheer presents brings me happiness. That's what I focus on to get me through the day.

At this very moment he's watching "Horton hears a who". For the tenth time. Definitely one of my favourites. One of the many joys of being a parent is to watch fabulous kids flicks like these with my kids.

It's morning and I've woken up feeling better. I always do start the day off ok. Just waking up with my little man near me always starts my day with a smile. Unfortunately behind that smile I'm pushing back the thoughts of not seeing that smile one day. I push them back in my mind for if I don't I fall apart. We go to the kitchen and are usually the only ones up at this time but today so is Layla and Danny.
We all had breakfast together then danny went off to work. Luke's up now and time to get organised for school.

An hour or so later and kids are at school and Jayden and I are visiting our Italian neighbours, beautiful people. Love them dearly.

I'm thinking about yesterday's blog and how I was feeling then. After seeing the councillor I think I actually felt worse than I went in. But I think that was what was meant to happen. She talked to me about how devastating our situation is how she can't put words to how awful it is because there aren't any and reminded me how normal it is for me to struggle on a daily basis. The result was I left feeling so bad and allowed myself to feel like that. A huge cry last night and today I'm able to wake up feeling like I actually did let go of some emotions, enough to get me through today. I will return to her as i didn't realise at the time, but do now, it actually did help.

I often spend so much time writing in my blog trying to get across how devastating this situation is, how painfully sad it is. But there really is no way of letting anyone know what this is truly like to live without them going through this themselves. . Yesterday's session also clarified that. I could use all the words in the English dictionary to try and describe this but none of them can put another person in this place of awareness of what it's 'really like' . And no one would want to know.

I want people to know, so badly. In the hope that if I do that I won't feel so alone in it. But I can't. It's not possible. She told me yesterday to just surround myself with buffers, meaning not people that know what u are going through but those that are willing to listen. To accept that this is my life and get through it as best I can even if that means minute by minute.

I took Jayden to the chemist today to pick up a prescription and i told him we were visiting the lovely girls there that like him a lot. he said "girls like me mum". they sure do i replied. they are wonderful women there and we love them dearly. Had a lovely chat while we were there and Jayden played with the toys with the wonderful "girls".

After that visit we went to the park. Down there we played on the playground and just messed about. Eventually we sat down, Jayden on my lap, playing on my phone together, a cool breeze blowing. I thought to myself at that very moment, life could not get better than this moment. Snuggled with my little man, under a tree, sharing a moment in time that I wish could last an eternity. It will in my memory. These are the moments I live for. No words in the dictionary can truly give that moment justice either. Just had to be there. Fortunately for us, we were. Together.

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