It Has been really nice having him home, Jayden has especially loved it. They spent both days hanging out, watching videos and everywhere Luke was, Jayden was. He's so happy to be in his company. Even when they are not directly playing with each other they are always sitting near each other. It's very sweet. I love that they have each other.
So back into school again tomorrow. It's been nice not going in these last couple of days as Layla likes to go by herself now in the mornings but I still pick her up at the end of the day.
The boys have also been sleeping in the last two mornings, we all did on Tuesday. Which is a first! Layla was even late for school and we just live up the road.
I woke this morning with Jayden's face squished against mine and the sound of him breathing along with Luke lightly snoring. It's so nice to wake before them and watch and listen to them sleep. Precious. I remained there listening to them until they woke.
I helped Layla get organised for school again this morning and she went off on her own. I Hate that she's growing up so fast. Luke, Jayden and I then packed some food and headed to the park.
It was lovely when we got there as no one else was there and the peace was beautiful. A few others arrived shortly after and that was fine too. I find myself so super protective over Jayden now and when a little girl stopped him from walking along a brick wall that he doesn't have the balancing skills to step down from to get out of her way I jumped up to retrieve him. He was coping, as he always does but I panicked that he would fall. I felt my heart race and my mother instinct to protect him go into top gear. We went home shortly after and I discussed my feelings about it with Danny. He agreed that he too has become super sensitive and protective when it comes to Jayden. We can't help it. I guess we have seen him go through so much already that every inch of our being does not want to see him go through anything at all that is even remotely uncomfortable again. It's hard not to feel that way.
Not long after that I had an appointment for a mammogram and ultrasound. They couldn't do the mammogram as I had one less than twelve months ago but did the ultrasound. I'm getting it all checked out as I'm constantly worried something else bad is going to happen and the amount of times I have been to the doctors for myself about concerns is quite a few now. I recently received an email from a friend who explained it as post traumatic stress syndrome. I definitely have something going on. I spoke with a counsellor today and am due to see her next week.
After all that I came home to my boys so happy as always to see me, I just love walking through our front door to that welcome. Just gorgeous. They helped me bring in the groceries that I had stopped to pick up on the way home, well helped empty them and start eating them anyway.
Shortly after, it was time to get Layla and I walked over to the school. I sat on the bench outside her classroom and watched the other mums chatting with each other and the kids milling around. Layla's class had been kept back a bit so most of the kids were out running about finding their parents. This scene never stops hurting.
They eventually emerged and I waited as Layla got her bag and things. A friends husband came up to me then and said "hi, how are you?" And gave me a hug. You can never underestimate the importance of a hug. When someone gives me a hug I know they care and are not scared to ask the tricky questions because they are not scared to hear the answers. I have heard people say I didn't want to talk to you about things because I didn't want to upset you?? Sadly that's exactly what I want to do and nothing can make me more upset than I already live on a day to day basis. Just because I don't get to talk about it doesn't make it better? In fact, worse. The need to talk about it, cry about it is huge. We pay someone to listen to that because people find it too hard to go there with each other. It's insane really.
I'm laying in bed now between both my boys. They are both fast asleep.
I'm thinking of a conversation I had with the lovely lady that did my ultrasound. We talked about Jayden of course. She was so kind. She said to me "leisl you have so much joy in your life as you know how precious everyday is and how every moment counts so many people don't have that knowledge and never will".
I do know how important each day is, yes. And I do know how precious each moment I share with my children is. But I so wish I didn't.
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