They all woke happy, it was a beautiful morning outside, so we all got in the car and went down to Fremantle to the big park on the esplanade and planned to have breakfast at the cafe there.
We left dad asleep as he worked last night and no doubt very tired.
The kids love this park and at 8 am in the morning they had it almost, all to themselves.
we ordered breakfast at the cafe and had a cup of coffee each. (Milk for kids, real coffee for me).
As I'm writing this entry I feel so anxious. Ever since this morning which I'm about to talk about my anxiety has kicked into high gear and as the day has progressed it's got worse.
While we were eating breakfast this morning Jayden was half way through his when out of no where he threw up. It wasn't just one of those little ones but an "empty the entire contents of your stomach " one. I busily cleaned it up as I didn't want the waiting staff to do it and i knew whilst I was busy I wouldn't think about what this could mean. Once I finished, Layla and luke went back to playing on the playground and Jayden and I went to fetch a change of clothes for him from the car, which was parked close by. I had Jayden in my arms as i walked to the car and with all my might i held back tears that so desperately wanted to be shed. At this moment I was worried, scared, anxious and very sad. i love my little man so much and i never, ever want this cancer to return and I'm scared as hell of it doing so. On the walk to the car i snuggled him as tight as he let me and said to him " i love you my gorgeous little man" and he said "i know". A tear did get shed then but I didn't let him see it. I put him in his new clothes and talked to him whilst i was doing it but all the while feeling so damn scared.
we joined Layla and Luke at the playground and I watched Jayden more closely than ever. ever since that incident I have watched him even closer and i haven't stopped.
At one point I was worried his speech was slurring and i had to ask danny to listen to him carefully as well in case I was panicking over nothing. How can I not panic?
This is a nightmare. there truly is no other word for it, except you don't get to wake up from this one. Every second of everyday you live it. It's truly crap.
My heart is up in my throat and I'm so damn scared.
I friend of mine that I met in the beginning of this mess has had very sad news about her most gorgeous, precious child. And that truly breaks my heart. I feel for her beyond words. I cannot comprehend how painful her life is right now but what I wouldn't do to change it for her.
There is so many parents out their that are living this nightmare with their children and its just so unfair.
All around us it seems to be happening and it feels as if the walls are coming in closer.
I don't know how anyone does this as I haven't a clue. My chest is so tight with anxiety and worry and all I want to do is breathe.
I had to go out this afternoon and the further I had to drive away from my home where Jayden and the rest of the family was the more anxious and frighten I became. I hate being away from him, even for a little while.
When I was done I raced back and when I got home danny text to say they were over at the oval. I raced over there to find them all happy in the park. They all saw me except Jayden and I yelled out to him from the top of the oval "hey gorgeous" he looked up and yelled back exactly the way I said it "hey gorgeous". We all laughed.
My little man, he really is the centre of our universe. The piece of puzzle that makes our family whole. I love my little man so much.