Sunday, 10 February 2013

Yesterday and today


There's a ceiling fan above our bed, the sound of which we think helps Jayden sleep. It blocks out the surrounding noises and goings on in the day and it kinda sounds like the motor running of our car. So when we transfer him from the car to this room he always seems to sleep better when it's on. And it's hot so the fan produces a welcome breeze in the room.
Every time I turn it on though it reminds me of my mum. It was summer when she passed away and her last days were spent in this very same room. With the fan on. I remember sitting by her bed after she had passed and all I could hear was the sound of the fan, nothing else but that fan ticking away as it went around.
I don't know what point I'm making, if at all, but merely recollecting a memory. A sad one but a very vivid one when I turn on the fan. Some would think it weird that we sleep in the room that my mother passed away but I find it comforting. In many ways I feel she's here with us. And when I turn on the fan for my son I think of her and hope she is near him as he sleeps.

He's sleeping now, having his daytime nap and as always he looks so peaceful. I like to think my mum is with him, watching over him, resting with him. She would have loved him if she were alive now, I know it. Just spoilt him rotten and loved him to bits.

He's exhausted now as We spent the morning at my sisters place. Now that she has moved down from Geraldton we get to see her more often which is fabulous. Love her dearly and so does Jayden. He did a lot of playing and was entertained thoroughly by my her, something my mum would have done . We are home now and I'm about to do something with my other two. I try to spend time with them on their own but its difficult as Jayden does not cope very well when I'm not with him. I was told that he will experience separation anxiety from me for quite sometime because of what he's been through. He's not the only one. I think I experience it as well when I'm away from him. While he sleeps though it gives me an opportunity to be with the other two.


Jayden went to his first class of Gymbaroo today! He was so excited to be around other kids, listen to music and climb on the indoor playground. So beautiful to see his little face beaming with smiles! Just precious.

We went with our neighbour and her gorgeous child and had a blast. Jayden couldn't stop yelling out to her to watch him and tried everything out. He is so different to my other two in he shows no fear, loves to be around other kids and the busier the better. Funny little man. It was so nice to see him so happy. Of course he fell asleep on the way home and is sleeping next to me as I write. I should be sleeping too as he was up at 4:30am this morning! Ouch! But I will take a 4:30 wake at home any day to a night in hospital. So bring on the early mornings because as long as I'm home with my little man I don't care.

Been feeling very flat as of late, no different to most days but I'm starting to feel like a broken down record. Playing over and over again, the same stuff. Reality is, that's how it is. Nothing is going to miraculously change this situation no matter how hard I wish it were.

We visited friends the other day and that was nice, normal stuff. But when I came home I started to feel really sad until finally after dinner I walked into Danny's office where he was sitting and cried. Spending an afternoon with friends, talking about normal stuff and not really touching upon what's really happening ended up being emotionally exhausting and a big cry was needed when I got home.

Danny and i talked about it together and hoped that it would become easier with time.
I think for me it's hard because what I live inside myself on a daily basis is hard and to not be able to share that as its happening is really exhausting. Sure I can laugh, smile, feel the breeze, chat, and be truly grateful that my little man is with us but deep inside I hurt like hell. Not being able to share that is truly isolating. To have to leave it inside so as to have an afternoon out is frustrating.

With some people it's ok. People who have sat with me and seen me at my worst, wanted to hear that sadness and share it with me by listening have been true angels in my life. Those people I can sit with and chat because I know if all of a sudden I start crying or fall in a heap they won't run away or feel uncomfortable.

I want to go on about this but I'm going to stop myself here, and instead focus todays entry on my little mans achievement. His big day out. First one amongst other kids as he is now ok to mingle as last bloods came back good. First real social day out. Yah for him and yah for his smiles and his spirit. What a little champion. So happy for him and so happy to be doing that with him.

Snoozing it off now but no doubt he will be keen to go again when his class comes around next Monday.

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