Jayden fell asleep in his playhouse tent today. He had a big morning at the park and is now fast asleep. I should be too. I tried but my mind will not for the life of me shut down. It just doesn't stop. Constantly zipping around with thoughts id rather keep at bay.
I'm looking at him and I can't believe how beautiful he is. His precious hair has gotten so long and his little face is changing from a baby to a little boy. I try so hard not to see into the future but its so very difficult not to. When I see him laying asleep as he is now I'm speechless as to how precious he is to me. How much I truly love him and how difficult it is to live knowing so much about his cancer.
It's the next day now and we have spent the whole day hanging around the house and only popping out to the park for a quick walk or play. The kids have been fantastic. Playing happily together all day. Just beautiful. I honestly believe the serenity was because of how happy we were that we are spending this time together, at home. this time last year we were in hospital and Jayden had been there for four weeks. he had not been home once in that time. So today was definitely a better way to begin the Easter weekend, and we are all aware of that.
Layla and Luke made Easter bunny ears for tomorrow and yesterday made cupcakes with Easter decorations. Everyone is getting ready for tomorrow and very excited. I'm especially excited about it because I remember how damn sad I was last year. I remember trying so hard to make it good for the kids but failed dismally in pulling it off. They were still excited about the Easter bunny coming and all I wanted to do was call the whole thing off. How could we possibly celebrate Easter without Jayden. It was truly damn awful. I was absolutely miserable, and completely devastated. Awful.
I'm so glad, so grateful, and so relieved that it is not the case this year. But as I say that I know it still is for others. There is no forgetting the heartache of others. Of my beautiful friend who won't have her son with her, as well and those that are in hospital now. Nothing can take away their heartache.
Special occasions are beautiful and special when you're able to spend them with the special people in your life. But are truly gut wrenching if you can't.
Tonight as I wait for my children to go off to sleep I'm so grateful we are home, all together. I'm looking forward to placing their Easter treats by their bed and seeing their faces when they lay eyes on them in the morning. I know that we are lucky to have us all at home. I know that it is a gift we are together and i know never to take that for granted. I try not to worry about how many more I will get and instead be grateful for this one. But damn its hard. I want to know i will get a lifetime more but I don't know that. I hate that I have to be grateful for each day, truly i do. But I know I have too. I know that's what gets me through and the only choice I have.
I am Looking forward to Easter and i will always hope with all my heart that i see so many more with us all together, for it truly would not be a Happy Easter if we weren't.