Last night I had yet another awful nights sleep. With the help of a Valium I managed to stop thinking about stuff and finally drift off but not before I spent a good hour or so thinking, worrying, stressing.
It just doesn't stop. There is no off button to switch to stop the fear or worry about the future and the more I hear about others the more I worry about Jayden. How do I not? Its not possible. So many people have said to me at different times things like; "isn't it great hes all better now?" or "so pleased things are back to normal for you all". Its weird because nothing could be farther from the truth. I find myself not correcting them, because it seems futile. They wouldn't understand, how could they? Its frustrating though, as I feel that there is a certain expectation from those people that you should now be jolly and getting on with it. If only it were that simple.
The nights are the worst and I often find my self anxious about going to bed. Because I know once I get there I'm laying down doing nothing but alone with my thoughts. the days i can keep myself busy doing stuff and things but the nights are quiet. Nothing to distract me from thinking about the past, the present and the future. Nothing to distract me from the fear and the sadness and I often find myself crying myself to sleep. I'm desperately trying to find a away to avoid this scenario and often get out of bed soon after laying there because the thoughts can be so overwhelmingly sad that I just get so exhausted going there. I then keep myself awake in the hope that I become so tired I will sleep as soon as I go to bed next. However it doesn't quite work that way and like last night I wound up becoming overtired and even more anxious. Nothing was going to get me go to sleep last night and after spending so much time in that head space, revisiting past events and thinking about the future, I just had to get out of it.
I hate that I then rely on medication to get through this nightmare and hate to admit that I cant do it on my own. I'm not sure that anyone can, at least I don't know how they do.
A simple conversation with Danny and I today, about the future, bought tears to my eyes. We cant plan the future like most people do we have to accommodate for the possibilities of the future and those possibilities a awful. The "if this happens" then we have to think about "this" and so forth. Honestly I get so exhausted some times I just want to scream. I just want to yell out "enough is enough". I want to stop living this sadness, the heartbreak, this life of "what if" and "when".
My beautiful man is taking his afternoon nap as I write in this blog and I'm so grateful he is with us. Not a day goes by where I don't see his little face first thing in the morning and thank the heavens he is with us. and all day I'm with him I'm so grateful for his company, his smiles, his enthusiasm for life, his ability to make me laugh even when I m at my saddest and his cuddles are the best in the world. He truly has a gift that brings us joy every moment of every day. Sure, hes a two year old and sometimes hes very cranky. Hes very bossy too and he lets you know if hes not happy, but for most of the day and night he is like a breath of fresh air, he cools your mind like the air cools your face, and with it brings a peace that no one else can bring.
Once i feel it though it makes me cry inside for I don't know how I could live with out out that little "breath of fresh air". I know I should live in the moment but sometimes I get so fed up with the fact that I have to. Its just so unfair. I want to be able to look at him and truly believe I will see his face on a grown man. truly believe he will beat this awful cancer and live the life he so truly deserves. But its so hard. Its so heartbreaking and so very hard.
I'm going to stop now as I hear his little voice. My beautiful little man whom I so hope will become a man.