When he insisted on going to see our neighbour this morning even after I told him she wasn't there, I followed. I walked with him down there explaining to him she's not there but he wanted to go anyway and I followed anyway. When we got there and knocked on the door and she didn't answer he wanted to stay and sit on the seat out front. I sat with him. For over an hour. I knew I had a load of washing at home to hang out and lunch to prepare but we just sat. Together chatting and playing games on my phone as well as watching all things "wiggles". A beautiful breeze was blowing and I thought about how nice it was just to be sitting. Sitting with my little man. I only felt guilty I wasn't with my other two as well whom were home with dad. I hadn't seen much of them since the day before and would have loved them to be hanging out with us too.
Both Layla and Luke went to "dads camp" last night with their grandad as danny unfortunately had to work. They had a ball. It's a night organised by the school and the local church when the dads take their kids camping on the school oval. They have activities for the kids and the dads and kids and its a wonderfully fun night. Jayden and I got up early this morning and were very keen to see them.
We didn't go over till about 8:30 even though we both wanted to go much earlier and helped grandad pack up. it was so lovely to see the kids so happy. When I got there Layla was off with her friends and so was Luke how quickly they grow up where mum just isn't the centre of their universe any more. that always makes me sad. happy for them to be happy but sad they grow up so quick.
I helped grandad dismantle the tent and as I did, I looked over to see Jayden happily sat under the tree right next to us playing with a glow bangle he found in the grass. Honestly he sat there quietly content to be outside with his glow bangle for ages. He truly is such a beautiful little soul. So content and happy.
The kids came home with us shortly after we packed up and happy as they were they were also very tired. to bed early for everyone tonight.
So now I'm sitting writing this blog entry and I intend to watch a movie for the first time in I truly don't know when. But sadly as I sit here anticipating I will enjoy some "me time" I'm feeling lonely. Essentially I am, as no one else is with me but I don't think I enjoy my own company anymore, not near as much as I use to. Left alone I think of everything that I fear and left alone i just want to cry. cry because i can, because no ones watching and cry just because. just because its damn hard. its hard to keep up beat, live the moment without thinking about the future. really hard. really, really hard. So my own company isn't what a call a good time anymore. In fact I lot of the things I use to enjoy do nothing for me now and often bring me sadness instead of joy.
There's no doubt I have changed as a person since my son entered the doors of the children's hospital last year. My friendships have changed, my relationships with my loved ones have changed and what matters most to me has not changed but gone up a hundred notches, and some. What worried me before I couldn't care less about now and what frightened me before doesn't even make me squirm. For its only now in this journey do I know what really matters, who really matters and what fear really is. The thought of losing your child is far scarier than anything you could possibly imagine and hurts far more thAn any words said or pain I have ever experienced previously. It is beyond a true description.
So I sit here ready to do what I would normally look forward to and all I want to do is jump back into bed with my beautiful boys and snuggle up to my little man. Because that is where my true enjoyment in life is. With my children.