Tuesday, 26 March 2013

I'm laying in a hospital day surgery bed waiting to have a gastroscopy. I have a history of reflux and get these done every four years, the last in 2011. Of course I've forgotten about my own health in the last twelve months and am now showing symptoms of reflux again so here I am earlier than normal.

All i can think about is my children and leaving them all sound asleep this morning. I wish this would be over quickly so I can get back to them.

When I left they were all asleep. Unusual because Jayden is usually up early and the others follow shortly after. But today when I woke he was still asleep all snug in our bed with Luke close by.

I tipped toe d around him while I got changed to leave and worried as I left that I wouldn't be here when he woke and he would be upset. I've thought about that the whole time I've been here until danny text me just then to say when Jayden woke up Layla went into him and carried him into the kitchen and he has been fine ever since. She's so beautiful. That message made me feel so good. And so proud of how much my kids love each other and look out for each other. I'm so lucky.

So I'm now waiting to see the anaesthetist and get this over with. I use to worry about these procedures but now I don't give it a second thought. Now I'm just anxious to see my kids.

Luke had to go to the dentist this morning and I'm worrying about him as well. His first ever filling and he was very nervous about it when we spoke last night. Fortunately Layla told him its easy and not to worry about it. When she says it he believes her when I say it he thinks I'm just being mum. Hopefully it is all ok and he's not too stressed.

Danny's with him and so is Jayden. It must feel different for Jayden to be the one watching his brother have a procedure rather than the one doing it.

I feel really tired, Numb and a little teary. I'm thinking about my children, my friend who lost hers and others I know with similar stories. It's tricky to get on with things knowing so much sadness.

I caught a taxi here this morning and found myself talking to the driver about Jayden, now that I'm here. the nurse, the anaesthetist., The doctor. All conversations lead to Jayden And as each person left my cubicle I know my story may have left there minds as well but I can only hope it remains in some and that with each conversation a seed of awareness is planted and that one day that will make a difference.

I'm going in now. Looking forward to drifting off to nothingness and my mind resting for a while and of course hoping for good results.

Thinking of these beautiful faces


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