Finding it really difficult to focus lately and i wonder if it has anything to do with the antidepressants I'm taking or just the fact that my thoughts are constantly a chaos of fear, worry and sadness. Bit of both I'm guessing. but i don't think I'm in a position to do the alternative.
Jayden and I had a visit from a special friend today. A wonderful lady whom I've mentioned before who is living her own nightmare. I always enjoy seeing her as she makes me feel understood and her presence is just special. I can't explain exactly why but when I'm with her I feel a small sense of peace. Maybe it's just because she understands or maybe its because she has an inner spirit like Jayden one that when a person is taken on a journey like theirs is unique and beyond anything anyone could imagine unless they lived it themselves. One that gives you a slap in the face that your lucky, your blessed, and you should embrace that.
Might be talking gibberish but I'm hoping this is making sense. It does to me but hard to put into words I think.
whilst she was here we talked about everything relevant to our journeys and she made me realised that in some ways I'm searching. I'm searching for a sense of peace, a place I can go to in my mind that will make it possible to breathe. A place where I stop thinking for a while and just live. One that can take the fear, worry and anxiety away if only for just a moment. I think people with a strong faith have that place. i don't have a strong faith, i wasn't raised in a family who had a faith. I wish i had been for i believe it would give me that place, at least i hope it would.
When she left i did some searching on the internet. i googled 'spiritual councillor' and came across a place locally that advertised kinesiology. I knew nothing about this only that a lovely lady suggested it to me some time ago. I thought it a coincidence it came up under my search and that it was nearby so I rang them. I spoke with a man that would have had to have been the most understanding, kind, empathetic, person I had ever spoken to on the phone whom made me feel so safe and heard it was truly wonderf and just what i felt i needed. A Spiritual man who specialises in trauma counselling but suggested I try kinesiology first and if I didn't feel it was right for me he would be happy to see me.
So it's the next day and I'm now laying In Bed between my two boys. I've seen the kinesiologist and its evening. Before I go into it though I want to cover today.
Jayden woke up super early this morning, no idea why but was cranky and made for a tricky morning. He stayed that way for most of the day. It really worried me as I knew something was up. Take me back over a year ago and I would have been thinking , virus, ear infection, two year old molars. Now those things don't even enter my mind. I wish they did. Instead I'm asking him "does your head hurt? Up hear?"(Touching his forehead.. "Does it hurt hear?" (Touching the back of his head). Honestly, I wish so much all I was thinking was the thoughts I was privileged to have before.
His mood made for a difficult morning and one that i was finding difficult to get through. my head was pounding but more from stress than a headache. I hate feeling that way around him as i want to make every second count but sometimes the stress of it all gets the better of me. possibly the very reason why he was struggling...because i was.
we went and saw my beautiful friend Nadja at lunchtime and that helped. Afterwards we came home and there was no way I was going to get anything done. I kept reminding myself that it didn't matter, the washing and dishes will still be there waiting as I know that, he knows that. chores really don't matter in the big scheme of things, we learnt that long ago, so we hung out until the kids came home from school and eventually I got a chance to get some things done, I wanted to make it easier on danny as I knew I was going to be out for a while with my appointment.
My appointment with the kinesiologist was in the afternoon, right about dinner time so I asked Danny's mum to come over and help him while I go. Friday is a difficult day for Danny with work and as always his mum was happy to help. Love that woman.
I went to the address I was given and upon arriving I was given a form to fill out. as i looked through The questions i immediately began to think this was not for me. I'm a huge sceptic, something I learnt to be from my dad and it just didn't seem what I was looking for. i was a tad anxious and ready to run. However, I was there and decided, why not? What harm could it do?
The lady i was to see appeared shortly after. A calm casually presented woman I'm guessing in her 40's whom I immediately fell at ease with. She introduced herself and showed me to her room. We spent the next hour talking about my situation, how she could help and where to go from there. I have to say the treatment that followed was unusual, easily written off as a crock, but by the time I left, there was no doubt I felt different. I can't explain exactly how different I felt or exactly what they feeling was, just that it was different.
I came home, Danny's mum was sitting with luke on the lounge and i was so happy to see them both. Big hugs all round and so appreciative that she came all this way to help. Seriously this woman is wonderful.
I then raced down to see Jayden who danny was putting to bed.
When I walked in the room the lights were off and I could see Jayden was just about to drift off to sleep, I gently laid next to him on the bed, snuggled up close to him and whispered "I love you". He opened his eyes, wrapped his arms around my neck tight and fell back to sleep. i laid there with him, soaking up his every breath and every inch of him. Truly a beautiful moment that i didn't want to end, however I knew Luke was waiting for me on his own in the lounge.
i returned to Luke after I was able to take myself away from the beautiful cuddle I was having with Jayden and joined him in front of the TV. we sat together, cuddled up on the couch and talked and talked, about school, friends, boys, girls, it was brilliant. Layla had gone for a sleepover earlier so sadly she wasn't there with us but it meant for a special moment with luke and i on our own.
Eventually we went to bed to join Jayden and we laid there in bed chatting again. It was really beautiful.
It was the nicest evening and I couldn't help but get the feeling my appointment earlier had a big 'something'to do with it. From the moment i came home i just felt so in tune with my kids. so present. so able to really see, hear and feel them, with no other thoughts in my head going on at the same time.
Kinesiology works on reprogramming your sub conscious. It's all very unusual, well for me it was and not something i would normally go for. Before I left she asked me to take a photo of the sentence we worked on and say it to myself, in the morning and at night. Below is the photo of that sentence. It's the bottom one.
i know its no miracle, but if its going to help me be a better mum through this awful damn nightmare, and make all my kids lives a little happier, then i think its worth a shot. their worth it.
One of the things she also said to me In The beginning of my appointment with her is "Jayden is your best teacher". No truer words have been spoken. he knows how to live in the moment.
Love my brave little man.