Yesterday marked the one year anniversary that Jayden was admitted to hospital and our nightmare as a family began.
Leading up to that day we all felt the significance of it. I was prepared to right a lengthy blog recollecting that day and time and including pictures of that time. But as I sat in front of the computer last night and flicked through photos of that time I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to remember that time and write the feelings we experienced down.
That day marks the beginning of a life we could have never imagined. One full of pain and emotions that could not have been experienced previously in any other circumstance. It marks the beginning of a life we live day to day, minute by minute and a change in all of us that will never be reversed. A moment in time we all wish never occurred and one we will live with forever. I didn't need to recollect those feelings and emotions as they are still with me everyday. I didn't need to remember that time in detail for its there in my mind and remains forever.
In order to take myself back to that time is to remember feelings that I've taken so long to learn to live with. Feelings so overwhelming sad and shocking that I could not bare to bring them up in detail again.
I've never read back my blogs of that time because I'm afraid of how it makes me feel so to write it again is equally overwhelming.
I talked to danny about it in the evening and together we couldn't go there either. We spoke briefly about it then found ourselves sitting in silence. Silently remembering that time but not speaking. Neither of us can go there. I think if we did it would remind us of the time, the seconds before when we were like everyone else, a normal family with cancer free children. that hurts. that hurts beyond words that we are no longer that family and that day marks the day when that happened.
So instead I chose not to blog at All. To instead silently remember that time, the significance of that day and then let it go.
Today is the day after and today we have decided to take the kids out of school and celebrate the beginning of a new year with Jayden. One full of good memories, happy times and times spent together as a family. A new year that we will hope with ever inch of our beings that we shall not ever be separated as a family ever again.
That is how I want to remember this day. Not yesterday but the day after.
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