The magic of seeing him so happy with her though was clouded by an overwhelming feeling of despair. sadness within me from knowing my friend just lost her child to this absolutely crap disease. I woke this morning to find the news on their Facebook site and my heart sank. One day you have hope, the next day it's pulled from under you and your flat on your face on a floor of despair.
Another beautiful child. A courageous family, a loving family. A beautiful boy, a sister left to live life without her only brother and parents to spend the rest of their lives trying to work out how to live without their precious son.
I walked the kids to school this morning with that knowledge in my head. The knowing a beautiful boy has passed on, taken by this disease. A beautiful mum I've gotten to know through this horrific journey. Now destroyed.
I watched all the family's mingling, laughing, chatting, pushing prams and a feeling of emotional exhaustion came over me. I felt my legs go weak and i thought i was going to collapse. i wanted to. i wanted to fall. i wanted to get down on my knees and scream how damn unfair this is.
No body there knows and i sometimes think they don't want to know what mums with children diagnosed with cancer live day In and day out. To most people I imagine we are "the other people". Cancer is What happens to "other people". But the truth is all of us mums were those mums once. All of us had healthy pregnancies, healthy babies and pushed our prams through the school grounds, pleased as punch with our babies. We aren't 'other people'. We are the same. No different. The only difference is cancer picked our kids. It can happen to anyone.
when i walked through those grounds today i wanted to scream it out. i wanted people to hear about this little boy and really give a hoot. I wanted them to hug their kids and be so damn grateful to have them. I know when I'm with mine I think it constantly. I hear myself saying it in my mind always and really feeling it from the depths of my being. I will never ever take them for granted.
All day Today I watched my little boy, with fear consuming my mind. Will i lose mine? How much longer do I have. Every time I hug him I hug him like its my last. I never want to live with regret that I didn't give each hug my all. That I didn't soak every bit of him up with every second we have.
I sat in his bedroom with him tonight after bathing him and we played cars. All the while I was thinking of the mum of the little boy who passed. his bedroom. Her sitting in it. I remember when Jayden was first diagnosed and after surgery we nearly lost him to meningitis. I remember the first night I came home to be with the other kids and I sat in his room. I sat on the chair next to his cot and I cried so hard. So hard, hoping with every tear our lives would return to how they were and he would be back in his cot the healthy little baby he was. I will never forget that moment or any other moment there after.
Our lives didn't return to how they once were of course and as days have past and now a year we have had to learn to live the life we have now.
I thought about this woman and my heart was full of pain. How does she learn to live her life now?
Now that I'm in this world I will always know children suffering, dying and it will never stop hurting. We have our little man with us now but so many don't. There's certainly nothing fair about childhood cancer and its not until your living it you truly realise how big it really is. Not rare.
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