It's late and I'm finally in bed laying next to my little man. He's sleeping diagonal across the bed as always and danny and I are squished at either end. Luke's to my other side sleeping soundly as well.
I've just put my daughter to bed after sitting up with her to have a very much needed talk. We talked about a lot of things and what came out of it was a realisation that I haven't been there for her like I should be. She often asks me something and I forget or don't hear and she pointed that out to me. She's such a quiet child and keeps to herself so much that she easily gets forgotten about and clearly thats what I've been doing.
I felt awful. Her behaviour at times is a direct result of my parenting or lack there of. I'm so preoccupied a lot of the time with Jayden that I often forget about the other twos needs. Sometimes their needs are obvious and those are the ones I'm on to but the subtle needs, I'm missing, I'm just not seeing them as clearly as I use to be able to.
We had a beautiful talk though and whenever I do make the time to do that I always walk away feeling so good that I took that time to do that. I love her so much, she truly is a beautiful kid with a huge heart that is struggling herself to deal with what's going on in our lives.
She mentioned tonight out of the blue that when we were driving home from Nannas on Sunday night in the evening she remembered the first night Jayden was in hospital. As we drove in the darkness she remembered leaving the hospital that night with dad and Luke, leaving Jayden and I behind. She remembers it being dark and she remembers crying all the way home, frightened for Jayden.
As she told me how she felt that night my heart broke. I truly don't know even the half of it of how my kids have been affected by this nightmare. I talk about how I feel often, because I can and I'm able to articulate it but I have no real idea how hard it must be for my kids.
We didn't talk too much more about it as I could see she didn't want to say much more. I think as time goes on more bits will come out when she is ready to tell me. But I wanted her to know I will always be hear to listen and I hope next time I don't miss her cues.
It was only the other night that Luke talked about that time as well. He told me too that he remembers crying after he left the hospital and waking at night to find me not there and crying himself to sleep again. That's what he remembers of that time. Crying himself to sleep at night when he would wake in the middle of the night to see our bed empty. When danny would go to work he would jump in with me but all of a sudden I was gone and he had to learn very quickly to get back to sleep again on his own. By Crying.
I get the feeling we are all very aware that it was this time last year that this whole nightmare began and we are all hurting. I know for me as the days lead up to 7 th March I'm struggling even more. Remembering that morning. The first night. The fear in Jayden's eyes when his first line was put in. The sadness that fell over him when the kids left us that night at the hospital to go home and he couldn't go with them. He cried and cried. He didn't understand and at that point I didn't really either.
What a nightmare? Truly no other way to describe it, only you don't get to wake up from it.
As a mother all you want to do is protect your children. Keep them safe, away from harm,not see them sad or hurt.
I cant even begin to find the words to truly articulate how hard it is to know that your kids have been exposed to such hurt and sadness and not to have been able to stop or prevent that..
When they talk to me about how they felt its truly crushing to hear. All my kids have been hurt, exposed to sadness they should never have been at this age and been forced to deal with emotions they have probably never felt before.
I'm laying here now lost for words. I know how I feel but sometimes I just can't find the right words that can truly describe what I want to say.
Words that are powerful enough to describe it correctly. I don't think there are any.
This time last year we were a normal family, this time last year we didn't have a child with a brain tumour. Just like most families our kids were healthy.
This time last year We had no idea that the following day would turn our lives upside down, Tear our family apart, break our hearts beyond belief and change who we are as people forever.
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