But now its morning, Sunday morning. My kids are happily eating their breakfast and Danny's asleep as he worked late last night.
No doubt I will be interrupted many times but I will give it my best shot to finish.
Friday morning was the last time I wrote and friday day proved to be one of the best days we have had together as a family in a long time. I think we were all on a mission to make it fantastic and it was.
We kept the kids home from school that day and took them to a water park called Adventure world. we had passes given to us for Xmas from our wonderful gentle giant new friend and we have been meaning to use them ever since but haven't until now.
It was a significant day. It marked the first day of a new year with Jayden. We hoped as a family this will be how we remember this time of year from now on, instead of how it was one year ago today.
It turned out to be a beautiful day. Perfect weather. The kids were so happy to be outside. the place was quiet so no cues for any rides. And we picked a perfect spot to sit under a beautiful big gum tree in the park overlooking the toddler water playground.
Jayden and I must have sat together on our picnic rug for hours during the day just chatting, snacking on the picnic lunch we bought and watching other kids and picnickers enjoy the day as well. I haven't felt that relaxed in a very, very long time. And he was the happiest I've seen him and the most content. We all were. Just beautiful.
Danny got his work out done for the day by running up the stairs to go on the slides with the kids all day and they were stoked he was with them.
Honestly it was just perfect. Exactly how we wanted to mark that day. A beautiful, fun and perfect day with the family, full of laughs and beautiful moments.
When we finally headed home later in the afternoon Jayden was asleep in the car in no time. Perfect.
I'm so happy we had that day together and later danny and I spoke about making sure we do days like that more often. So I'm on a mission to plan the next one. Doesn't matter where, just as long as we are together as a family and having fun.
Saturday the kids woke up still tired from the day before and wanting to stay home rather than go out. So we all hung out at home for most of the day. It was also ways too hot to go out anyway so good choice to stay indoors.
The Problem with staying at home though is I tend to busy myself with chores to do and don't spend the time I should with my children who are on other days at school.
Jayden and the kids were getting quite frustrated that I would get up and put a load of washing on and then again to hang it out, put it away because it dried so fast and so forth. Jayden wasn't in the best of moods and that would be why. Kids are so easy to work out if you take the time to hear them. I so often forget that but try to remind myself as often as I can. Travelling this journey has certainly highlighted it for me. Highlighted what's important and how I should be spending my days. Chores will always be there but my kids, well, they are just so much more important. Time with them is precious and I try to spend as much time as I can and more, as that's truly what matters.
By the afternoon we were all going a little crazy from being kept indoors and decided to head down to the river for some well deserved outside time. Fortunately it was cooler outside by then and a beautiful breeze had arrived. We know it here as "the Fremantle doctor".
For the afternoon we spent building sand castles in the sand by the river and playing on the playground nearby. Kids and parents happy and relaxed.
Im so glad we did venture out in the afternoon as the day was beginning to get very tricky.
Like all days you try and keep them as normal as possible, remain as busy as possible in order to keep your mind occupied but no matter how hard you try there is no getting away from living under this dark cloud. I can never think of the right words to explain what that truly means but I tried to to my sister today. It's that never ending feeling of dread and despair that Jayden's cancer will return. The knowledge of it being a possibility and the knowledge that many we know are living that very nightmare now.
Before we went out that afternoon danny and i had a chance to sit down and chat about that very real feeling. the kids were happily playing in another one of Layla's elaborate cubby houses and i had just finished talking to a friend of mine. She is living the very nightmare we fear each day. An incredibly courageous woman whose courage I admire immensely. After I got off the phone to her my heart felt heavy and the sadness kicked in. So many people I know now through cancer. Each battling their own journey and its hard not to take on their burdens as well. I want to cry every time I think of their lives they are living and I want so bad to change it for them. For us.
I sat with danny and we talked about those feelings. About the dark cloud we live under. For the first time in sometime he talked to me about how he has been feeling. The other day he did some relief teaching and he told me he now knows he could never teach kindergarten children. He said on that day he had to take a kindergarten class and found himself on the verge of tears for the duration of the class. he said he had to keep reminding himself to focus on the job for if he didn't he was sure to cry. For him seeing all those kids and being amongst them was too close to home, a very real reminder of what we no longer have. the promise of tomorrow. i know no one does but most are able to plan for the future where As we cant. we just plan for tomorrow and hope we get the next tomorrow and many more to follow.
i found myself the other day saying no when the secretary from the college i was asking for an application for luke to go to asked did i want a second application. I put the phone down after speaking to her and sat in silence thinking about how a year ago I would have said "yes, of course". But now I don't know if Jayden will still be with us and that's truly crushing.
Its late in the afternoon now and Sunday.
I'm laying next to my little man and luke is to my left. the pair of them are slowly drifting into sleep as i write this blog. I'm anxious. nothing unusual. But i had been thinking about a friend, wondering why i don't hear from her anymore, the whys, the what happened and then i hear Jayden say "mum". i turn to him and said, "yes darling" and he says to me "mum, i want go to school". i look at him, holding back the tears, glad for the darkness so he doesn't see my eyes welling up and i say " one day darling, one day you will go to school". with that he closes his eyes and i watch him fall asleep. my face close enough to his to feel his breath and i begin to quietly cry.
looking at him makes everything in life so much clearer. no friend, acquaintance, amount of money, job, whatever has more importance than my little man laying in front of me. Nothing in my life is, or ever will, be as important as my children.
Jayden shows me everyday what matters, what I should be focusing on. He has taught me things I never was clear about before.
I love him beyond words. His little face, sound asleep. Nothing means more to me than this little man and his brother and sister.
I take a deep breath in and wipe away the tears. Snuggle in to him tight and hope sleep comes quickly so I can see his smiling face again tomorrow.
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