Woke up yesterday after the procedure to my little man smiling in Danny's arms. Beautiful. I was so very happy to see them both. Jayden jumped straight into my arms and gave me the biggest and best cuddle ever. When we broke from the cuddle He had a very worried look on his face and when the nurses drew the curtains for me to get changed he freaked. He was so upset because he thought we were staying and kept saying "mummy, we go home now." Poor little man. He doesn't forget, I don't believe he ever will. I know for sure, we won't. Past memories often play back in my head, especially at night and are truly traumatic to go to, ones i try so desperately to suppress but often can't.
I dressed as quick as I could so he wasn't worried anymore and we left. In the car, and home.
Its now the next day and I'm waiting outside my daughters tutoring centre to pick her up. I've not had the best day. Tired, little cranky and struggling to get through it with a skip and a smile. My stomach feels like its in knots and I have to say I feel beaten.
The morning started fine. I woke to the voice of my smiley little man and was so very excited to see him as Danny and I went out last night with his brother and wife and I missed my kids terribly. When we got home they were all asleep and I had to wait until morning to see them. We had left at about 5:30 in the afternoon and it was a whole 12 hours before I could give them Cuddles again and tell them how much i loved them.
Breakfast went fine, I dropped the kids of to school then saw my beautiful neighbour. After that we took Jayden to the kinesiologist I had seen previously and danny now too. Jayden wasn't impressed, in fact not happy about it at all and I felt like a mummy lion desperately wanting to keep her cub from harm. As soon as he looked uncomfortable I was done. I just don't have any emotional energy left to make him do anything that will upset him in ANY shape or form anymore, or ever. So he and i exited earlier than we were meant to and danny remained to get some exercises we can do with him Jayden at home.
I think it was about then that i started to feel very weary. Emotionally and physically. the events in the past few days, going in for a gastroscopy and worrying what they would find, keeping it together for an evening out but feeling very stressed at the time. Knowing I'm not the best company at times as my life is consumed with stuff that most people have no idea about. Basically just feeling like falling in a heap.
It's a few hours later now and I'm laying next to my little man as he sleeps. As I watched him sleep I thought about how much I missed not being able to put him to bed last night and how happy I am that I am doing it tonight. I thought about How Danny's mum told me Jayden asked after me, and as he went to bed he wanted to know where I was and if I would be home soon. It dawns on me now as I think of that, how important I am to him. Sounds silly I know as its no doubt obvious but all I normally think about is how important he is and my other children to me. I forget how important I am to them. How much they need me. So with that thought in mind i then realised how vitally important it is for me to really look after myself. People say it all the time but i could never get past thinking about My children. Yesterday My gastroscopy came back as me having gastritis. Caused through stress. So now as I look at my beautiful little man I know I have to change. i have to start taking care of myself better than i have been. Whether its making time for meditation, going for a walk I just HAVE to do it.
Not for me but for my beautiful kids. That's the best motivation ever.
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