today i read my one from yesterday and a part of me felt guilty for feeling those emotions when i know people who are facing far worse scenarios and instead i should be thanking my lucky stars we aren't facing that right now.
its hard though to remain positive and a part of me is scared to. scared to say "everything is going to be ok" as if i go there and feel that i have so much further to fall if it isn't.
so i remain quietly hoping and praying it will be ok but also knowing the very real odds we are facing.
i think often i feel so angry at the world and how unfair it is. that my beautiful little man has been through so much already and facing a very uncertain future. i then get caught up in the unfairness of it all however i know deep down its a waste of precious energy. i know no matter how angry or upset i get it won't change today, tomorrow or yesterday.
I wish it did, but it won't.
every morning i follow Jayden's lead and when he smiles at me i smile back. the biggest cuddle follows and with one foot in front of the other we face the new day.
i will have moments where im so low its crap but i will continue to hold on to the happy moments i share with my little man and other children.
i know i will never give up hoping all will be well. But neither will i stop being sad and fearful of the future.
That is the life my family lives now, just as it is any family who has a member diagnosed with cancer.
I know i will still stand in the shower like I did this morning and think how I wish I didn't have to get out and face another day of sucking it up, trying to remain positive and grateful. A little part of me will always want to fall down and just cry. But I know it won't achieve anything.
So off I go, just like every other parent facing challenges and get on with my day.
My little mans lead I will follow,
His grin from ear to ear ...
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