Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Yesterday's blog

I often write in this blog when I'm in the thick of an emotional moment. i don't wait until i come out the other side i just write it down and put it out there.

today i read my one from yesterday and a part of me felt guilty for feeling those emotions when i know people who are facing far worse scenarios and instead i should be thanking my lucky stars we aren't facing that right now.

its hard though to remain positive and a part of me is scared to. scared to say "everything is going to be ok" as if i go there and feel that i have so much further to fall if it isn't.
so i remain quietly hoping and praying it will be ok but also knowing the very real odds we are facing.

i think often i feel so angry at the world and how unfair it is. that my beautiful little man has been through so much already and facing a very uncertain future. i then get caught up in the unfairness of it all however i know deep down its a waste of precious energy. i know no matter how angry or upset i get it won't change today, tomorrow or yesterday.
I wish it did, but it won't.

every morning i follow Jayden's lead and when he smiles at me i smile back. the biggest cuddle follows and with one foot in front of the other we face the new day.

i will have moments where im so low its crap but i will continue to hold on to the happy moments i share with my little man and other children.
i know i will never give up hoping all will be well. But neither will i stop being sad and fearful of the future.
That is the life my family lives now, just as it is any family who has a member diagnosed with cancer.

I know i will still stand in the shower like I did this morning and think how I wish I didn't have to get out and face another day of sucking it up, trying to remain positive and grateful. A little part of me will always want to fall down and just cry. But I know it won't achieve anything.

So off I go, just like every other parent facing challenges and get on with my day.
My little mans lead I will follow,
His grin from ear to ear ...




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2 comments:

  1. I wish I could help you feel the support of God's love. I have been in your situation twice; once with my 3 year old son and two years ago with my husband. There is no way I could have made it without my faith in the Lord. I am praying for you and your family every day.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thinking of you and every time I read your blog I try earnestly to feel what you feel realising it really is not possible but want so much to remove your pain!!!!! Praying for you and wishing that you did not have to have this heavy weight on your shoulders. Jayden is looking wonderful with his hair growing. Praying for him and you all. Sending lots of love!

    ReplyDelete