Tuesday, 30 April 2013

A battle

When I think about today I think how nice it was to be with my kids. Luke went for a play over in the afternoon but in the morning we went to visit Cahuna wildlife park again. The kids love this place as its almost always quiet and no hussle and bussle. On the drive home Jayden slept and when we arrived home I put him in bed. I always find it hard to get up from him at this time. He's snuggled into me as I've carried him there and laid him on the bed with me then I never want to get back up. Often when the kids haven't been there I stay. I know I have lots to do but I just love watching him sleep, laying with him and sharing that moment.

Today I had to get up however and be with my other two. They have truly been so wonderful these holidays and I just love having them home.

Luke got picked up for his play not long after and Layla was busy with her guinea pigs so I thought I'd get back to a project I've been busy doing lately. Sorting photos.

I went through some photos today and as always, it stirred up a whole lot of emotions. I'm often reluctant to open the files that I know contain photos of Jayden before he was diagnosed or the ones during treatment. Before diagnosis reminds me of the life we once had and thats crushing. During treatment, I can't even put words to those feelings.

I put together a couple of albums though and one was of a time when Luke was the same age as Jayden. Nudie, bar a nappie, jumping on the trampoline, having fun with Layla, being a normal two year old. As I looked at his photos I thought to myself " I am so lucky he is still with me". You truly don't get the absolute gift of life and how wonderfully blessed you are as a parent to firstly, have children and secondly have children that a healthy until you travel a journey like this. There is nothing I take for granted about my children. I know with 100% certainty that i am lucky and blessed to have them in my life.

Luke was dropped off in the afternoon and I got talking to the mother. During that conversation she asked me how Jayden was going and how we all are? I don't know her very well and it's the first time she's asked me those questions. I stood there for a second thinking to myself how do I answer that question correctly and honestly? To do it with accuracy I would not be able to cover it in one sentence. And to answer it honestly so that she really understood our life, would be impossible. And if I were even to try, would she really want to know?

So instead I brushed over it briefly, i never got to say the things I really wanted to say nor express the true feelings I feel every day. "It must be awful", she replied and "I can't even imagine". She's so right with both. It is awful and there isn't any way in this world you could imagine it and you wouldn't want to. She also said "you must have to learn to live or think a different way now". Yes, you do. I know I've had to learn to contain my thoughts and fears in order to function. I've had to learn to keep them at bay as much as I possibly can to prevent myself from falling in a heap. That's not to say I still don't but if I do, I do it alone.

I lay here now next to my little man, and I just love him so much. The anxiety of what could be creeps back and a wave of emotion surges within me. i gather my thoughts and work hard within myself to bring me back to the now. I Make myself focus on him with me now and snuggle him tight. The thoughts come back and a tear falls, but i focus again on my little man in my arms. Back and forth i go, struggling to keep it together, to enjoy and to believe. A war I battle regularly within myself, particularly at night.

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