Sunday, 28 April 2013

Can't sleep

I can't sleep. It's late, im tired but no way is sleep my friend tonight. Everyone around me is snoring, but not me. Thoughts racing through my head of Jayden, children I've recently read about on Facebook, their families, the past, the future, everything. No one thought sticking for long, just a jumble of thoughts travelling through my mind like a merry go round, going around and around.

I've finally got up and now sitting in the kitchen. I'm so sick of these nights and I just wish I had a switch I could turn off to all my thoughts so sleep would come easily without being completely exhausted for it to do so, or the help of medication.

It's not that I've had a particularly bad day because i haven't. its school holidays still and i love them. i love having all my kids home and having them home really does take the edge of this existence. They remind me every minute of everyday how lucky i am to have them and how special they are to me.

Luke chatted with me before bed as he lay in his bed next to ours tonight and we talked about his bunny. His bunny was his special toy he'd had since he was a baby, one he never went anywhere without and one that caused us many nights of searching the back yard for it with torches before bed as there is no way he would sleep without it. However in our haste to pack and go to Chicago last year we had forgotten it. poor luke not only had to grow up very fast when this journey began but when uplifted and taken to another country miles away for his brothers treatment, he also had to survive with out his bedmate.

He asked me tonight why we had to go to Chicago, and told me he doesn't remember much about it now as it was so long ago. It never occurred to me at the time to really sit down and explain it all to him and instead we packed, left our home and in it, his bunny.
Tonight i tried to explain it to him but I'm not sure i did such a good job as it wasn't long before he changed the conversation to the bug he found on a tree over there.

He loves his brother. They are almost always together and no one makes Jayden laugh like Luke does. I want to record it one day and have it on repeat so I can listen to it whenever I need to.

We took the kids down to the river this morning for breakfast and it was really lovely. The kids had a wonderful time and so did we. When we got back home we had a visitor. A wonderful lady who gave the kids three hermit crabs. They were so excited and it has kept them amused for most of the day. So grateful to this wonderful woman. Felt like she was an old friend when she came. Really nice feeling to meet such a nice person.

Jayden wasn't too sure about them at first but it wasn't long before he was playing with them too.

And this photo is of my little man after bath time. Big smiles all round. This is taken in the middle of playing with his brother and sister which he always does before bed then its teeth, books and sleep. He had no problems falling asleep tonight as he had a pretty big day. And unlike me he doesn't lay awake worrying about the future. I was told recently that he will be my best teacher of how to get through this existence and there is no doubt that this is true. but theres also no doubt i must be his worst student because I'm finding its so damn hard to learn. to learn to live each day like him would be to change the way I mother. He's my beautiful baby, my youngest child and no matter what I can't stop worrying about him. Every time I look at his little face I'm so grateful he is with us but so very scared he won't be one day.

I watched him at the table tonight, chatting to himself as he played and within me I let out a big sigh as the thought of him really sick this time last year crossed my mind. A flashback of before. They come into my mind every now and then and remind me how lucky we are that right now, at this moment he is well. But it feels like I'm walking a tightrope, one that we walk everyday, where just one wrong move and our lives will come crashing down once again. That I'm often holding my breath hoping and praying that wrong move never happens.

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