Thursday, 11 April 2013

Jayden has another cold. Damn it. Just when we thought he finally got over the previous one it seems he has another one.
At least I hope it's a different one.

We went to the doctors today just to check everything out. I actually booked the appointment initially for myself as last night I had some scary dizzy spells. Not fun. i woke up this morning still feeling the same way, heavy head, room spinning when I stood up too fast. i think I'm just in a constant state of worry and anxiety and often something that may be small becomes so much bigger in my head. I don't know?

the verdict from the doctor was low blood pressure/vertigo. however he suggested we do a CT scan just to rule out anything more sinister which he assures me we wont find. Obviously hoping he's right.

While we were in there he checked Jayden out as well just to be sure everything was ok. Common cold, no need for antibiotics- thank goodness as he has had a lifetime of those. We also spoke about his immunisations as he missed a few due to treatment. Not in a hurry to do that but he said he would contact Nick to find out.

Speaking of Nick I still haven't heard about the results from the sample. But I guess that will take some time.

Have a weird head feeling going on lately with these dizzy spells and its definitely making me feel uneasy.

It's hours later and I'm laying in bed with my little man to my right and my other little man to my left. They are both asleep and both snoring because of their colds.

Luke came home from his afternoon play today unwell. Spiking a temp and miserable. Definitely home from school tomorrow. Which I love and so does Jayden. I really should have homeschooled my kids.

I went and saw a psychic yesterday. Not something I would normally do but from the advice of a lovely friend I did. I never went expecting my fortune to be told or a magic wand waved at me but I was curious. I'm at that point where I am willing to try anything that may ease the pain of this journey. I feel as if I'm searching for something, something to hold on to in some way to give me some sense of peace. I know I won't stop till I find it, if I find it.

Remarkably she was accurate in most of the reading. Just a couple of things that were slightly out. She was a lovely lady and I'm glad I went. I'm glad because she was lovely to talk to, she spoke positively about Jayden, and she told me she believed he was going to be ok. I love to hear people say that even if she may be regarded as a "nutta" by some. She made me feel better for the time that I was with her and showed me another way of thinking, which made it worth the trip.

I was with her for over an hour an so much was covered its difficult to put it in just a few words. what was really interesting though was what she said about me was virtually word for word what the psychologist said that I saw the other day. I must be so transparent.

Im not happy with the time I've spent with Jayden these last couple of days. For some reason i have felt very restless and haven't been able to really sit with him and focus on being with him. We are almost always have together as he rarely leaves my side but i just don't feel like I've been present. My mind seems to be racing with things and stuff and its driving me nuts.
Sometimes i think i choose to think about all the other stuff and busy myself as much as possible so i don't think about what saddens me the most.

But doing that is truly exhausting. Constantly battling my emotions by keeping my thoughts busy so I don't fall in a heap.
I told my neighbour today that when I go to a counsellor or the psychic I went to the other day, I find myself balling my eyes out before they even open their mouths to speak. It's as if as soon as I'm given permission, out it comes. I know I need to do it and I feel better for it after but, its exhausting.

My little man on the other hand doesn't keep anything in. His emotions are right out there on his sleeve and when he's upset, you know it and when he's happy, he smiles the biggest smile. He has the most beautiful laugh in the whole world as well and when I hear it I just want to laugh with him and often I do.

It's 5 more days until his next MRI and I'm so nervous. I'm no more nervous than the day before that and the day before that. Sadly that means I'm just one big bucket of worry everyday.

I'm hoping with all my heart and every breath that I take that it will be ok.



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