Tuesday, 16 April 2013


Nothing can put a smile on a parents face of a child with cancer, than a clear scan. Yesterday Jayden had his 3 monthly scheduled MRI and his oncologist told us late afterwards that it looked good.

It was a scary time, one that is so nerve racking its unbearable. Jayden wasn't happy being there and no sooner did we check him in and have his obs taken, he was asking to go home. All too familiar to him and no good memories in his mind either I'm sure. He was getting really distressed in the waiting room and we were blank for ideas of keeping him happy to stay. probably because we didn't want to be there either and no doubt he felt that from us. fortunately some workman were working on the side of the hospital where a window was that we could look out and watch. That view Managed to kill some time until his name was called and up we got to follow the nurse into another room where he was to receive his pre med. he was so good at swallowing it and the little bit of water afterwards. Then followed the wait for it to kick in. Danny was doing brilliantly at entertaining him and fortunately in this room there were plenty of toys to use as props.

Once the pre med began to kick in he started to get really worried as he knew it meant something was up but his body was relaxed in my arms. He kept saying over and over again that he wanted to go home, he just knew.
Ten minutes or so passed and we were called up, only one parent can take him in and that's usually me but its always distressing him to see Danny leave.

We followed the nurse into the next room with him in my arms clutching at my neck crying to go home. When we arrived i knew the routine and sat with him on the chair next to the bed. They no longer find a vein in his arm anymore whilst he is awake because its too distressing for him. However the alternative is putting him to sleep with the gas. This means pressing the mask onto his face and watching him scream for what feels like an eternity as I hold him. The sheer look of terror in his eyes when this is happening is one as a mother you will never ever forget. This definitely does not get easy.

After the gases took hold and he went to sleep I gently put him on the bed with the help of the nurse. I kissed him on his head, hope with all my might he would be ok and walked away. I walked out to meet danny, big hug and cried my eyes out. I have done this so many times before but not one feels better than the other. Nothing about this journey is normal and putting your child through this abnormality is truly gut wrenching. I hate it beyond measure.

fortunately we have not had to do this for three months but its still crap. I also think that's why Jayden was so very upset today.

The Good news though was he came out of the anaesthetic a couple of hours later really calm. First time ever. He was relaxed, thirsty and ready to go home. But he was calm. Not crying and upset, just calm. That made all the difference. We took him home as soon as we could and waited for a call.

I don't think the drugs he had agreed with him and he had chronic diarrhoea. We had to stop the car on the way home to change his nappy and for the rest of the afternoon I was busy changing him. It settled by the evening fortunately for him.

I'm now sitting in a cafe not far from a dental surgery and its the next day. we did get that call from Nick and he said it all seems fine but we have an appointment next week to discuss it more thoroughly and for Jayden to have a checkup.

Today my other son Luke is in day surgery with his dentist. He has had to have several caps put on his teeth and they needed to put him to sleep to do it. So today I held my big boys hand as he was anaesthetised.

The anesthatist told the nurse as she went to explain things to me "Don't worry, mum has done this before many times". Yes, sadly I have. What I wouldn't give to be a naive mum who hadn't and needed the explanation of what was to come. I sat there holding Luke's hand as the drugs took hold and as he fell asleep i wished I was that mum.

The mums that sat In The waiting room outside with worried looks on their faces as they wait for their child to go in and have a dental procedure under anaesthesia. What I wouldn't give to be one of them.
Instead I'm a "done this many times before mum" and that is no title worth baring. It's no title I want or ever wanted.

Luke fell asleep easily i kissed him on the head, and walked away. now i am sitting waiting to be called when he's in recovery. I feel emotionless. I see the other mums with worried looks on their faces and I don't have one. I've been through so much trauma with Jayden that a simple dental procedure feels like a walk in the park. I wish it didn't. My life has changed so dramatically and I hate how much its changed me. i so want to be one of those mums and the sheer thought of it brings tears to my eyes. because i was one and i cant go back.

Things like today remind me of that. Remind me that our lives are so different from so many others.
It's truly heartbreaking.

I think the emotional roller coaster I have been on In The last 24 hours cannot be underestimated as anything less than a huge exhausting Journey. Although i am so happy with the result, ecstatic, over the moon and relieved, i know it doesn't mean i am now one of the mums in the waiting room of the dental surgery. i never will be. For this journey goes on forever, and everyone of us who love my little man, it has changed us all forever. There is no going back.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. Wahoooooo...so so happy for you all to hear the good news of Jaydens clear scan. Love to you all xxx

  2. Yeah! So glad to hear good news! He is amazing! Xoxo from NY

  3. Wonderful news! Go Jayden, Go Jayden! You ROCK! We love you bunches!!!!!

  4. Fabulous news,Sooooooooo happy for you all.Bless you all.
    Love June xxxxx

  5. great news, but yes I feel your pain. The look on my daughters face when being put under with that mask still haunts me to this day. xxxx thinking of you all rose