A 4:30 am wake makes for a Very cranky mum and if there were ever a day I would live to regret, then this would be the day. Cranky at everyone, terrible mothering skills and hating myself for it. In fairness to my children they were perfectly behaved once they realised mum "was losing the plot".
Even Jayden as young as he is, completely got it and was on his best behaviour. Not fun at all
I wound up completely blowing my top before dinner and walking out the front to simmer down leaving a wake of nervous people behind me. No sooner did I sit in the swing chair out front to cry than my eldest son appeared holding out a glass of wine for me. "Dad told me to give this to you". I wasn't sure whether to laugh or continue to cry. He went on to say " I couldn't do anything else mum as him and Layla were cleaning up so dad told me to do this". God I'm lucky, i thought. Truly what a beautiful family I have. I'm busy losing the plot and everyone around me is trying to make it better. I gave him a huge cuddle, sat there with him thinking how stupid i was to be wasting a day cross with the most important people in my life.
I think i just had a moment where i was just fed Up. tired, fed up with everything. fed up with living the moment, trying to remain positive and just wanted to be cranky. i just wanted to say "f#*@ all this and let me just hate the world for a day". Of course it left me on a huge guilt trip later for being so cranky at the people i love the most and really hoping its not one of the moments that stay in my children's memory and they retell it to me in years to come.
Jayden's little face was the worst to see. He was so tired himself and when he was woken after 10 minutes of his nap by his brother slamming the door he couldn't get back to sleep. That left him super cranky too and I just wasn't good at coping today. I truly hated myself for it as well.
Fortunately after my son came outside to give me a glass of wine and I sat with him and we talked, i found a time to breathe in and suck up all the pain and get on with the rest of the evening as I do most days now. hold it in, focus on today, be grateful. Together we went back inside and mum was "back". I scooped Jayden up in my arms and kissed him and didn't want to let him go. I hope I never have another day like today that makes me wish so hard I could have it back and start again.
Fortunately the rest of the evening was much better and I spent a big part of it playing with my three kids. God I love them all so much.
I Had a conversation with Jayden this evening just before bed. He noticed a new photo I put of my mum above my dressing table. "Who's that mum?" He asked. "That's my mummy" I told him. "Where is she?"He asked. "My mummy died a long time ago but she is always with us, especially you. We just can't see her". He thought for a moment then said "are there toys there?". "Yes" I said, "I think there's lots of toys there". I found myself painting a beautiful picture of the afterlife to him and I've never once even thought of it before or had to answer a question about it.
I wish I could be confident I was right about what i said, but I guess no one really can. However the more I try to find peace in this journey the more I want to believe it is. I really want to believe that there is a beautiful place and my mum is there waiting. That she really is with us every day and night and as I lay in bed right now next to my little man, she is watching.
I thought if she were and she could hear me, what would I say? " I love you, I miss you terribly. I wish you were here.". I know she would have loved my children and they her. I hope that she is with me , I hope she is with Jayden always. And most of all I hope she can keep him safe, so he will grow old and be with us for a lifetime. I hope she hears that.
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