Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Planning Time away

Feeling a little flat this evening. Shouldn't be as we are planning to go away for two days but i just don't have that feeling of excitement over it that I should. I think with every outing, time away, I desperately want it to be perfect that come the day to leave I'm already emotionally exhausted trying to plan it out so that it is. Or maybe its more that its just not as easy to be excited about stuff anymore? That the things that would normally make me yell out "hooray" just don't anymore. That what would really excite me and make me jump up and down with pure and utter joy would be if they found a cure for childhood cancer. Now that would make me yell" hooray!"

One of the things the councillor i saw last said to me was," you have 30 odd years of experience in life, so now give your son as many experiences as you can, in however long life his will be". After i left that day and since then i have found myself thinking about a heap of different things I should take him to, a heap of things he should experience and do. Everyday i tick off in my head something he's achieved or done and I've been so grateful to have witnessed it and thought about what else he can go see and do. But today when we had an outing organised to go see some animals at a library, that all changed.

I began getting ready to leave and i wanted to change him out of his pjs so we could go and he didn't want to get out of his pjs. All he wanted to do was stay in them, play lego and just be. i looked at him as he sat amongst his lego in his oversized pjs, hand me downs from Luke and thought " what am I doing?, he is so happy where he is why do I want to upset him to see animals". I know he would have of enjoyed it but he's happy where his is now. On top of that he still has this damn cold and dragging him out somewhere just seemed silly.

That moment though really made me think. When ever we have gone away he often asks "when are we going home". He's always so happy to come home and usually way more excited than to leave.
The only reason he's remotely excited about tomorrow is he thinks we are joining his neighbour Aoife whom he knows is on holiday at the moment and misses terribly. I tried to explain to him its somewhere different but I'm not sure he's got it.

Hes spent so much of his life away from home that maybe the best experiences he can really have is just be at home with us. thats where he is his happiest. Im no longer going to stress about what he needs to see or do in his life but just follow his lead. And maybe the reason why I'm not so super excited about it is that's how he's feeling.

I wish I could be. I wish I could be sleeping soundly knowing we are going to spend a couple of days together as a family and that bit I am very happy about. But with every "normal" venture I take its a very clear reminder how "not normal" our life is. That going away, Xmas, birthdays, etc just don't ring those bells anymore but instead remind us of our life. Our life that is so different now, that a birthday, xmas, a holiday, makes us think to ourselves " "how many more will we get with our little man" . I know I should try not to think like that, but its always easier said than done.

Fortunately yesterday and today were far better than the day before on my part as a mum and Ive been trying to focus on bringing good "vibes" into our home. The psychic I saw a few weeks ago now told me to surround our home with herbs, and unblock our front entry that had Layla's guinea pig cages there so they wouldn't get wet. So Danny and I have been busy this last week with the help of our neighbour and beautiful brother in law to make a pen for them on the grass. It looks great, we are now back to using our front door and I was busy scouting the garden department for herbs and any plants that are known as lucky. I mentioned this now as I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a Chinese lucky bamboo plant.
Lets hope it brings the luck we need.

I'm pretty much at that point in this journey that I'm willing to try anything, although I'm pretty sure we have always been at that point. Anything to give me some sense of peace and anything that will make me feel like I'm doing "something".

When I put Jayden in the bath tonight I had planned to fold some washing up while I watched him and he said "mummy come in to?" My immediate thought was washing, then I thought "stuff that". I jumped in, sat with him, listened to him talking, played and was so glad I did. Sometimes I feel myself slipping back into the hussle and bussle of life but when I look at him, his innocent little face, I know. I know that right then, that moment, is all that ever matters.

Jayden pushing his trolley when we were shopping for herbs.

A much happier time at the shopping centre yesterday

The kids playing outside today.

Luke and Jayden sharing a joke.

Really happy :)

Love my little man.

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