The kids are outside playing at the moment as I get a chance to sit and eat my breakfast. Danny's asleep because he worked last night and so I'm on my own in the kitchen listening to the sound of my kids laughing. Love that sound.
We had a lovely time away but as always, moments were darkened within me at the thought of the future. With every laugh, smile and giggle my kids enjoyed together I felt happy but very sad that they may not have that one day. That their dreams they share together may come to an end.
It's difficult to truly enjoy and relax anywhere when the dark cloud of a future unknown, follows . Every time I hold my little man, stroke his hair, carry him in my arms or snuggle him as I sleep a deep sadness overwhelms me. The thought of not being able to do that one day creeps in, sometimes for just a second or two and sometimes much longer. The thought of not seeing his beautiful smile, hearing his gorgeous voice and watching him grow is truly excruciatingly painful. There are days where the thought is not there all the time and I am able to keep myself busy from it. But most days, no matter where we are, its there.
I only have to read my Facebook page to find another child losing their battle with this cancer. As I've said before, once you enter this world of childhood cancer you will always know pain, know sorrow, grief of what was once your life and sadness for others whom you know so well the pain they live.
For people not living this nightmare a simple switch of the computer and a life of not knowing what's happening would be created. But turning off the computer doesn't turn off our lives from childhood cancer. We live it, breathe it, everyday.
We wont let it stop us from doing normal things like going away though. And we wont allow it to stop us from living and enjoying time together as a family. but cancer does take away the ignorance, the blissful "not knowing real heartache" the stuff that cuts you to the bone emotionally, rocks you beyond belief, leaving you just standing and trying to work out how your next step will be made without falling in a heap. Each day we grow stronger as a family, each day we learn how important we are to each other and we wont let it stop us from living life.
But the thoughts of the future will always haunt us, and everyday we work to find ways within ourselves to keep on going regardless and live life as well as we can.
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