Monday, 15 April 2013

Scanxiety

Scanxiety, what parents of children with cancer refer to the feelings you have leading up to Your child's scan. There's no doubt its an extremely stressful time but i don't know life to be any other way anymore. sure, i get moments when i can laugh, breathe and smile but for the big part of it i am already living in a state of anxiety, worry and concern.

So as the days lead up to Jayden's next MRI i thought i was coping as per normal but today was far worse than the previous days. Looking back now I think it was a slow progression over the last few days, maybe weeks that peaked this afternoon.

The morning started off ok, kids to the dentist a visit to my beautiful neighbour but by lunch time I was feeling the strain. The afternoon was hard, the evening worse, and the end of the night ended in tears.

An argument with Danny, I yelled at my daughter and wasn't coping with a normal everyday at all. Eventually I stopped and knew this has nothing to do with anybody or anything anyone hasn't or has done but rather an enormous amount of stress brewing within me of worry over tomorrow's MRI.

Danny and I talked about it afterwards and we know. We know how this works and we have had to accept this as our life. We have beautiful moments and memories with our children and we know how important and special they are. But it's truly a damn hard way to live and these scans are definitely the hardest of all.

I spoke to Jayden before we went to bed just like the last time and let him know he would not be able to have breakfast or anything to drink when he gets up in the morning as we were going to go to the hospital for him to get his MRI. He immediately started to cry and say "no mummy". God my heart broke. As he gets older he's understanding more and i knew he understood what this meant. Luke asked why and I had to explain to him that he had to have them every 3 months to make sure the cancer hasn't come back. I think that conversation really knocked Luke about as I'm sure to him it seems those times are all over and he started crying because we weren't going to be here to take him to school. memories of a time before flooded him. I assured him all would be fine and when I mentioned a possible play over after school he was much happier.

I went into my daughters room and gave her a big cuddle and apologised to her for getting so upset with her. I explained to her how stressed I was feeling over the MRI tomorrow and that it wasn't at all her fault that i was cross. she cuddled me back and said "don't worry mum, everything is going to be ok".

I so hope will all my might she is right. That everything will be ok and Jayden's MRI will be clear. No sign of cancer. Please, please, please let that be the case.





7 comments:

  1. You are all in our thoughts today and everyday, but especially tomorrow. Brett and Marianne McGrath

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  2. We are all hoping that she is right as well. Thinking of you at this stressful time and sending you lots of love and strength to get you through the next few days. Love Vic xx

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  3. “I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9

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  4. Leisl, my thoughts and prayers are always with you, your family and beautiful Jayden, and especially for tomorrow. Tonight I hope sleep steals you momentarily away from your fears and with all my heart I pray that tomorrows MRI is clear all the way. Love to you all Xx

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  5. Leisl, all will be well. Praying for a clear scan with you and hoping it is not too stressful for all and for darling Jayden. We began giving Gav MRI bribes - we let him pick out a small toy or something at the gift shop on MRI days, gives him something to look forward to and he doesn't stay so focused on the pain of the scan itself. Not great parenting but it definitely helps! xoxo

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  6. I have and will continue to pray for NED! I adore your son, and hate cancer! Love from westhampton NY!

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  7. Lots of love & prayers for you & your family.Thanku Leisl for the beautiful pictures.Jayden is just so gorgeous.Our children are so so precious.
    Love to you all
    June xxxxx

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