So as the days lead up to Jayden's next MRI i thought i was coping as per normal but today was far worse than the previous days. Looking back now I think it was a slow progression over the last few days, maybe weeks that peaked this afternoon.
The morning started off ok, kids to the dentist a visit to my beautiful neighbour but by lunch time I was feeling the strain. The afternoon was hard, the evening worse, and the end of the night ended in tears.
An argument with Danny, I yelled at my daughter and wasn't coping with a normal everyday at all. Eventually I stopped and knew this has nothing to do with anybody or anything anyone hasn't or has done but rather an enormous amount of stress brewing within me of worry over tomorrow's MRI.
Danny and I talked about it afterwards and we know. We know how this works and we have had to accept this as our life. We have beautiful moments and memories with our children and we know how important and special they are. But it's truly a damn hard way to live and these scans are definitely the hardest of all.
I spoke to Jayden before we went to bed just like the last time and let him know he would not be able to have breakfast or anything to drink when he gets up in the morning as we were going to go to the hospital for him to get his MRI. He immediately started to cry and say "no mummy". God my heart broke. As he gets older he's understanding more and i knew he understood what this meant. Luke asked why and I had to explain to him that he had to have them every 3 months to make sure the cancer hasn't come back. I think that conversation really knocked Luke about as I'm sure to him it seems those times are all over and he started crying because we weren't going to be here to take him to school. memories of a time before flooded him. I assured him all would be fine and when I mentioned a possible play over after school he was much happier.
I went into my daughters room and gave her a big cuddle and apologised to her for getting so upset with her. I explained to her how stressed I was feeling over the MRI tomorrow and that it wasn't at all her fault that i was cross. she cuddled me back and said "don't worry mum, everything is going to be ok".
I so hope will all my might she is right. That everything will be ok and Jayden's MRI will be clear. No sign of cancer. Please, please, please let that be the case.