Tuesday, 21 May 2013

I bought some bedroom furniture for Jayden online the other day and it arrived today. It's the first time I've thought of and or bought something for his room to make it more organised and look good. It was just some storage shelves from ikea but they look great and now his toys have a place to go and his special things displayed.

It felt good to do it. To start to think about him being around to enjoy them and I loved assembling them with him. It was even more special to be putting his stuff in them with him.

He was so happy and very proud of his new shelves. And he now sees his room looking more like Luke's, which is very important to him. I relished in the feeling of doing something positive and hoped it would stick around for a while.

When we went to bed tonight however that feeling was soon destroyed and replaced with the feelings i have become so familiar with. Jayden fell asleep quickly as usual and told me as always just before he nods off "love you mum, best world" and I tell him and i love you more than anything in the world too". I lay next to him, snuggled into his warm little body and waited for him to sleep and I fell asleep too. But was woken only moments later to Jayden coughing and a very near vomit. He threw a little up in his mouth and however little it was he swallowed it back down again and went back to sleep.

Suddenly I felt sick, lost and very damn scared. i got up pacing the house with anxiety that was suffocating. One minute I'm feeling ok and the next I'm right back in a world of pain. I tried to busy myself with ironing and a bit of TV but all I could think about was Jayden. Im so bloody scared its insane.

I walk into his room to put clothes away, look at his new bookshelf and instead of feeling proud I feel sad, frightened and incredibly worried.

Every little sign that something may be different frightens me beyond belief.

I really hate living like this. In A Constant state of fear.

I'm laying next to him now and i look out my window, a tear falls and when i swallow it hurts. Every night I go to bed I look out my window and wish upon the first star I see. Something I remember doing as a child. I don't need to say what that wish is and right now I'm so scared it won't come true. There are no stars out right now as its cloudy and I worry its a bad sign.

I'm really at a loss. A loss of how to live like this, how to sleep with this worry and how to manage the helplessness that I feel. I have no control of this and that's the hardest part. My little man, I'm meant to protect as his mum and I can't. It's out of my hands and its truly frightening.

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