Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Im feeling so lonely at the moment and I know I shouldn't. I have my beautiful little man next to me playing happily with his cars but I have this sadness in my heart that just won't go away. I'm cross with myself for not having the ability to just shake it off as I worry I will live to regret not fully enjoying these moments.

I know its time I need to see someone and get this stuff off my chest and move on. I went to make an appointment today but couldn't decide whether to go back to someone I've already seen or try someone new. I think I'm just hoping to immediately jell with someone and get some sense that "this is the person I need to see". I honestly feel like I'm going crazy sometimes.

I'm still going to give the Buddhist classes a go but they aren't till Tuesday and right now that's feeling a very long way away.

I made a point of getting out of the house this morning with Jayden so I would be distracted. We visited a lovely woman in the morning and then went for lunch by the river and it was really lovely. Definitely my best moment today. But now we are back home and I'm feeling yuck again.

Jayden hasn't done his coughing thing again but I'm watching him so close now its ridiculous. I find myself almost seeing things that possibly aren't even there.
Definitely feeling like a nut, now.

I know I should stop worrying as it won't change anything and I feel guilty for being sad as there are so many out there so much worse off.
So I also find myself sad for being sad, nightmare.

It's later in the afternoon now and I feel like I've shaken the worst of it off now but will always wish I didn't have to spend my days fighting a battle to keep things together.

My kids are home from school and with me and that's definitely when I'm my most happiest. The thought of another day nearing the end also brings some relief.

What I wouldn't give to get on with my life and off of this awful emotional roller coaster. I know it doesn't stop however, as this journey doesn't , and everyday I fight the fear and worry in order to get through to the next.

My dad just walkwd in and asked whats up? tell me, he says. whats wrong? he says. "Same as always dad. Just trying to get through the day as if everything is normal, when its far from being normal" I say.
He knows. He also knows there's nothing he can do to change it for him. So I guess he's sitting exactly where I am.

It's much later now and we've had dinner and I'm cleaning up to the sounds of my children playing in the lounge room. Danny's home after being at work all day and I'm so glad to see his face. He bought me a huge Rocky road heart shaped chocolate on his way home and presented it to me after dinner. We all ate it together, yum. He knew I was having a tough day and I missed his company terribly today. Nice to have him home and us all together. That's my peace.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Leisl, I have been following your journey with Jayden for some time now. I just wanted to offer you some encouragement and suggest that if you can you should try and see the same counsellor / psychologist for a number of sessions. This way you can develop trust, build rapport and feel safe enough to slowly work your way forward from where you are now. You also don't have to tell your story from the beginning each time you see someone new and you will come to value the continuity. You have been an amazing mum for Jayden and now is the time to nurture yourself. Take care x