Sunday, 26 May 2013

I'm sitting in a car park waiting for a shop to open and all I want to do is go home. Gone are the days I would enjoy time out from my kids. Now after 10 minutes I want to be back home with them or at least them with me.
It's the longest 10 minutes ever and so I thought I would write to pass the time.
I popped in to see my sister on the way which was nice but I have this incredible urge to "spill my guts" so to speak and have a good cry with someone and I didn't feel I could with her. I don't know why. I try so hard always to keep things up beat with everyone as I worry i will be burdening them with my problems when I know they have their own even though I'd love to swap.
So I suck it up and keep on going and quite frankly it's so damn draining and frustrating sometimes that I just want to scream. Cry as loud as I can and scream from the rooftops.

Instead I'm sitting in my car ready to go do some shopping for Luke's birthday party for next Sunday. Normal thing for a mum to do so normal mum face required. Five more minutes. Deep breaths.

Jayden woke up very chirpy this morning as he usually does but today he knows that his Nanna is back today, so super chirpy. She has been away for seven weeks and we have all missed her dearly. Meeting her at the airport and can't wait to see her face. Really missed her at Jayden's birthday and for the entire seven weeks.

He picked up his bag that we take everywhere with us to the kitchen in anticipation that we were leaving soon but I had to explain to him that 5:30 am is not the time to be leaving. It's not really the time to be out of bed on a Sunday morning either but when it's with my little man I'm loving it.

It's open. Off to quickly shop and get back home to my kids.

Back home and i get the hugest welcome from my little man but a "what did you get us?" from the other two. beginning to think I might be spoiling them just a tad. Hard not too and not likely to stop, however today I actually didn't get them anything. Not exactly anyway. Lukes birthday is this coming Sunday and I'm desperately trying to find things for it and so far I just managed to get some plain loot bags that Layla is going to decorate and some cake decorations for a birthday cake I'm going to attempt to make. A little nervous to say the least as he really had his heart set on one of the same standard as Jayden's and that's just not going to happen. I'm hoping by Sunday he would have forgotten what Jayden's looked like and be well impressed by my attempt of a football field cake.

Thats the tricky bit about his party is its football theme and do you think I could find anything remotely football themed in the way of party supplies? No. Hence there will be a lot of craft work going on this week.

We are now all in the car and on our way to the airport. Jayden and Luke playing in the back and Layla quietly sitting listening to her Ipod. I'm tired today and I can feel it now as I'm sitting and writing this blog. Jayden hasn't slept the best these last couple of nights and woken quite frequently from 2am onwards. I've always found it hard to get back to sleep once woken so fairly struggled to get a good nights sleep. Always worrying something is keeping him from sleeping well and worrying what that could be.
Images of past procedures pass through my mind and thoughts of the future encompass me. A merry go round of thoughts and sleep just doesn't want to come.

The Lack of a goodnight sleep often makes it even harder to keep it together emotionally during the day but I'm not doing too badly so far even though deep down I just want to fall apart. I really do feel that I'm held together by a thin piece of string and the slightest nick in it will cause it to snap and send me crashing down into pieces. That I'm constantly feeling tense and anxious. Nightmare.

Nearly at the airport and loving listening to my boys laughing. They truly are the best of mates.

Just met Nanna, now heading back to her house. Great to see her. Brought back heaps of memories of when we arrived back from Chicago after nine weeks. Feelings of relief to be home but fear of what laid ahead for Jayden and a sense of sadness for leaving new friends behind.

On way home now after spending the afternoon with Nanna and the rest of Danny's family. Really lovely afternoon. Felt a bit stressed when I got there but it was so good to see everyone.

So it's nearly the end of another day. I look back at my little man and he smiles. Precious.
I live for them smiles.

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