Thursday, 2 May 2013

Jayden hasn't been his happy self these last couple of days and when I took a photo of him with his brother today I noticed he looked very pale. It made me incredibly nervous, as does any slight change and I've spent the last couple of days looking at him constantly through my mothers internal magnifying glass.

This afternoon however I managed to get some smiles out of him but I still can't help but feel something has changed. I'm hoping its just him reflecting my own mood as I have been incredibly tired the last couple of days and not having the energy I would normally.

Danny and i sat and watched a film together last night for the first time in "i truly don't know when". It was a brilliant film "the intouchables". For an hour and a half we were able to switch off from life and be entertained by an incredibly good film. Afterwards I instantly felt different and realised it was because a had a moment of "normal". It truly stood out and a big part of me felt guilty for it.

We were taken away from the reality of our lives for an hour and a half and as I walked down the hall towards bed after the film, the reality of our lives soon all came rushing back into my mind. Walking into my room and seeing my beautiful son and noticing his face was red Instantly put me on alert again and I'm fussing over him, feeling his temp and making sure he's ok.

He's laying next to me now, sound asleep and as always, so should I. He's talking so much at the moment and when I read to him at night with his brother he desperately wants to know everything, his brother is learning to read now and he wants to as well, his brother is starting football this weekend and so Jayden wants to as well. Like any younger brother he desperately wants to keep up with his older brother and he lets us all know.

Danny took Luke to get his footy gear the other day and luke hasn't had it off since. We definitely need to get Jayden some too. When Danny left to take Luke to get it, I had that awful thought that bought sadness to me that he may not get to do this with Jayden. With every milestone Luke gets to I worry Jayden won't.

i wish I could just enjoy them as I should. That I could be taken away from the reality of my life and be with my children without worry. Like the movie we saw did, But not just for an hour and a half. that would be wishing for the life we once had, and I will never stop wishing for that.

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  1. Time heals all my dear, you need a hypnotist to help you let go and learn to truly enjoy the moments you are in; bunches of them, strung together, to then make hours, and better parts of day! How can I help swap the fear with the normal, where is your Fairy Godmother Leisl? XOX Diana

  2. Fantastic movie the untouchables. I was just reading one of my favourite website. mum's not having chemo written by her daughter Laura Bond. Gemma Bond lives in Perth. Her latest page is called The Joy of unremarkable. It tells us what she has done in the past two years of fighting her ovarian cancer and has had great success at keeping it well away. It is well worth a read. It just could give you some new ideas to keep your little man safe. I have written in your blog about her before. I'm another research nut. I read your stories which are wonderfully written and always wonder how I could help ease your journey, but I to struggle with bringing up my children without worry and they are normal. Just how much fear do we have to deal with as a parent it is relentless. His scan were all clear so go with that good result and stay positive. best wishes Dee