I filled the room with balloons last night and laid awake watching him sleep this morning waiting for him to wake. I had had a shocking night sleep and had been awake for sometime. I watched his little eyes slowly open then adjust to his surroundings and when his eyes focused on the balloons a big beaming smile stretched across his face. "My birthday today mum". Yes! That moment made my day, there and then. If nothing else happened for the rest of the day I would have been fine as that smile was all I needed.
The kids were so excited to give him his presents and we all piled on the bed to help him unwrap them.
He was just so happy. His favourite presents were his shopping trolley I bought him and a dolls pram he later received from his uncle and auntie.
We spent the morning putting toys together and a bit of rushing around to make it to his birthday party that was being held at a local park on time.
I was pretty stressed about it all and Jayden was not in his best form. Mainly because he had just been given a gift from his grandad before we left home, didn't get a chance to play with it and wanted to bring it with him. I had told him he could but in the rush to get there in time I had forgotten to bring it. So he arrived at his party already wanting to go home.
It was a lovely party and everyone had a wonderful time thanks to the generosity of so many lovely people.
Jayden was however out of sorts for most of it which always makes me feel the same and there were moments I just wanted to scoop him up and go home. That's all he wanted to do after arriving there and kept asking me if he could for most of the day. I so wanted it to be perfect for him and him to be so happy but I think my expectations of that were way to high for a three year old. He just wanted to be home, home with us, playing with his toys. And a big part of me did too.
But my other kids had a blast, and so did everyone else and that's a great thing. And there were moments where Jayden was having a good time, just short lived.
Anyway, we headed home a couple hours later and when I got home with Jayden I felt a huge need to cry my eyes out. I don't know if it was because Jayden was not super happy for his birthday and i didn't achieve what i had so hoped for him or whether the sheer lead up to today and the enormity of the week, past etc was what was hurting me inside. but what I do know was I felt so damn lonely and sad.
I eventually did have that cry but not around Jayden but with my friend Nadja. I still didn't feel any more relieved and the sadness didn't go but then I received a text from my friend who's daughter passed away last week. It was that moment that I realised I absolutely have to pull myself together and enjoy this day no matter what. My fear of the future is not going anywhere and my sadness of my life I now live isn't either but I will always try my damnedest to get through each day always remembering to be thankful that I have it with all my children.
We ended the day by going out for dinner to our favourite Italian restaurant. It's cheap, brilliant food and the kids love their spaghetti bolognaise. Jayden was in much better form and i was so relieved we did that. it couldn't have ended the day better. His smile makes me smile as does all my kids.
I'm tired, I need to sleep. Nadja, took this picture of Jayden today at the party and it makes me want to cry. The innocence in his face, his face reflecting his mood this morning and the need for me
to always want to make his life so perfect. I love him so very much.