Friday, 3 May 2013

Late entry - Friday

Just for a change I have spent most of today on the brink of tears. At times I felt the tears well up in the most unlikely moment and had to focus on stopping them coming and other times i just wanted to let them out and get the damn process over and done with. i didn't and I really don't know what it was about today that made me feel so incredibly more teary than other days, but no doubt lack of sleep was a contributor as well of course, the obvious. The build up of emotions throughout the days and constant battle to "keep it together" and remain positive eventually has to release somewhere. Fortunately today it was through tears instead of yelling at everyone.

It wasn't till later in the afternoon I talked to Danny about it that it eased up. Holding back so much emotion some days just gets the better of me and I feel like I just need to either ball my eyes out and just get it out there or talk it to death. Once that's done I can move on for the next build up.

It was a beautiful day spent at home again with my kids. We really haven't done much during the Holidays but fortunately my kids don't want to do a whole lot. They are really just happy playing at home. I consider myself lucky in that department as they don't need a lot of stimulation and are easily amused at home. Several games of hide and seek with them and they are chuffed to bits.
In fact Luke and Jayden spent most of the day playing with mud out the front of our house. They truly are beautiful companions. I love that they get on so well.

Whilst they were occupied I was able to read a book. I haven't picked a book up since before Jayden was diagnosed and not wanted to until this one was dropped off at my front door by a beautiful friend this morning. It's called " if I were god I'd end all the pain". It questions God and why there is so much suffering in this world. I've never really thought too much about god and religion before, mainly because of my upbringing but when a tragedy like this happens to you, the question arises "why?". Why me, why my son and if there's a god where is he?
I think for me I'm looking for answers. Not as to why cancer picked my son, as I don't believe I will find that, although I've tried and know it wouldn't change anything even if I got that answer. But i want the answers to how I live with that. How do I find peace in that ? How do I live each day with some sense of being ok with it. Obviously that's a huge ask as none of this is ok, In fact quite the extreme opposite. But to truly enjoy my little man every day I need to find a place of acceptance and peace with this damn awful nightmare. Do I find that in religion? From a councillor? Psychiatrist? Meditation? I don't know. But with each passing day as I work within myself to live this life, without falling in a heap or going crazy with worry I find myself searching. Searching for something, not knowing what it is for sure but knowing when I do find it, I will know. If it at all even exists. The feeling. the feeling of a peace. A peace to live today, this moment, right now, without fear of tomorrow.

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