Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Standing in the shower this morning, hot water running on my face. Overwhelming mixed feelings running in side my mind. My friends daughters funeral is today. A big part of me is nervous and extremely worried about how hard it will be to be there. But with my feelings aside i have an overwhelming need to be there for my friend that far out ways how it will be for me. Danny doesn't want me to go and said himself that he couldn't as its "too close to home". I understand what he's saying but I also know how damn lonely this journey is and I don't want her to be or feel alone today, without seeing a face that understands to some degree.

My daughter walks in as I'm getting dressed and notices I'm not in my usual casual attire. She asks me where I'm going and I'm hesitant to tell her but eventually do.
She asks me if its the little girl that came to our house with her parents a while ago and I tell her yes. Her face turns to sadness and I think she's about to cry. She says "but she is so cute mum, she didn't look sick". "I know" I said and am lost for any more words of explanation. We stand there in silence for a while and she says "it will be very sad mummy for you". I said I know dad doesn't want me to go. She thinks for a bit then she says" I think you should mum, she will need to see you there".
She's right, yet again and I continue to get dressed to go.
If I ever believed in reincarnation id easily be convinced my mum came back as my daughter.

The funeral Isn't until late morning so I continue to busy my self with morning stuff and things, trying best not to think too much about anything. Impossible of course.
I dropped my son and daughter off a school and as I leave I'm in tears already, for my friend. I walk passed mums with their babies and it pains me to know my friend no longer has hers. I envy these women. They have no real idea of how truly lucky they are. No notion what's so ever of what my friend is doing and feeling right now.

I arrive back home hug my little man tight and sit and play Lego with him until its time to go. I watch him as he plays, gently tuck his hair away from his eyes and try desperately to hold back the tears. Inside my heart is aching and I'm so overwhelmed by the sadness of another child dying.

I leave soon after, the drive is a half hour or so. My head spinning with a million thoughts, all about my friend, her daughter, Jayden and this whole crappy childhood cancer world I'm in. I truly hate it.

I arrive, park the car and join everyone outside the Chapel. I'm not going to write anymore but to just say it was a beautiful service. My friend and her husband were amazing. Beautiful parents, beautiful people and their daughter, so very precious.

I hope that everyone that was there realises as they left that service how very lucky they are. That they appreciate every second they have with their children and not take one second of it for granted.

I drove home with the sound of the engine in my ear, no radio. I felt numb. I couldn't stop thinking of my friend and her beautiful girl.

i pulled up in my driveway and I could hear Jayden squealing with delight that I was home. i raced up to him and scooped him up in my arms and gave him the biggest cuddle. as i hugged him I wished with all my might that he will never leave me. and i know that like everyday, i will never ever take a second i have with him for granted.

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  1. Huge hugs to you Leisl. A very confronting day for you, you are very brave for being there for them. My heart breaks for the poor family that lost their precious baby girl. It brings it a little closer for us all, may we all hold our babies a bit longer and give them more of our time as respect for those that cant Xxx

  2. That was a really beautiful post Leisl. I have been following your entries since you began on this difficult journey with Jayden and although I will never fully understand your pain, as I have not walked in your shoes, your words of wisdom constantly remind me to hold my little boy a little closer ( he is the same age as Jayden) and appreciate every moment on earth we have together. Know that your words are inspiring to other parents out there and you are doing a great thing by sharing your feelings, and that we are all praying for you and your family. Xoxox