Monday, 6 May 2013

Teary day

Today started like any day except sadly the kids are back at school so we were back into school routine. I was still feeling a little flat from yesterday as I spent all last night worrying as usual. When I woke this morning I thought I was coping pretty well but as I walked Luke to school I could feel the emotions brewing back inside of me. After I left him and said goodbye it was beginning to surface. I walked out of the school grounds and when I walked past my neighbours house, it was almost too much. She's moving. I know its not far but I miss knowing a cuddle of understanding is there when I leave the school grounds if I need it. That an ear is always ready to listen, just two doors down. And Jayden, he's missing her to bits already. No more sneaking off to walk down to see her. Very sad.

When I got to my door and then inside I proceeded to busy myself like I usually do with stuff to do in order to keep my mind racing where I don't want it to go. Soon after I heard voices at my front door. In walks my precious neighbour who truly couldn't have timed it more perfect and my wonderful friend Nadja. There really is angels that walk among us and these two ladies are definitely that for me.

Lots of tears shed, a major much needed cuddle and a long chat. I was soon feeling a lot better thanks to these beautiful friends.

Lately I have been really stressed about Jayden's birthday coming up. I didn't anticipate the lead up to his birthday to be so overwhelmingly emotional and I've truly been struggling with it. The expectation Ive put on myself for it to be just as he would want it and the overwhelming fear it will be his last.

Its not like birthdays use to be where we took it for granted there would be more. Now they're loaded with emotion and thoughts of "how many more will we get". Knowing that Jayden turning three is huge, that this time last year it was an uncertainty.
Our lives are forever kept together by a thread and all we hope is that it never breaks. That we will have many birthdays to celebrate with Jayden and his siblings.

We are having a party and two beautiful ladies are going out of their way to help organise a very special birthday for Jayden with a bouncy castle, fairy floss and real pirates (actors) to visit on the day. They also asked people off Jayden's Facebook page if they would like to make food for the day, the support has been overwhelming but we worry people are doing too much. So we fell in this dilemma that was fuelled by stress of a coming birthday and a very special one at that. Danny was very concerned as he didn't think we should ask for help when we could do it ourselves. He's right, but Nadjas argument was that people want to help. It's hard to take help from others particularly when we know so many others are far worse off though.

Jayden's brothers birthday is two weeks later and as I've been organising that I have been worried that luke will feel left out as his wont be anything like Jayden's. And for a child that already feels incredibly left behind and has vocalised that many times, I was feeling really concerned. Just Wanting so badly that everyone is happy on their special day.

Danny and I talked about all these thoughts today and considered cancelling the party for Jayden and just having what we would have had which would be more like Lukes party. That way no one would feel left out and everyone who is helping us can rest. The kids however wanted it to happen. Luke was ok about his party not being the same and all he was worried about was that he could kick the footy with his mates on his birthday. I hope that's how he genuinely feels on the day though. (He had his first day at football training on Sunday and he hasn't stopped talking about it since. Great day, we were so proud of him)

Above: Luke in his football gear.

At the end of the day though the stress, the worry, the anxiety has more to do with this nightmare than a party. Things that were simple like a birthday are no longer. So much emotion drives them and thinking clearly when it comes to these things just doesn't seem possible anymore.

All I want is for my kids to be happy, for them to live long healthy lives, that's all I want. My only wish. Knowing everyday that that may not happen for one, my beautiful baby, is so very hard. His birthday coming up is a reminder of years, life and what we may not have. He's going to be three. I'm so proud of him, what he's been through, his huge big smile and his beautiful spirit. I love him so very much. i know that each new day is a gift with him as with all my kids, I just so hope we get a lifetime.

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1 comment:

  1. Leisl, Jayden's 3rd Birthday is going to be such a special day no matter how you choose to celebrate it. I know that for my children I tried my hardest to make their 3rd birthday just that little bit more magical. People Care. For Jayden, you, Danny and the kids. Be kind to yourself and remember that you are surrounded. Even by people you have never met.