Friday, 10 May 2013

There is no doubt that this time, right now, today, is a time to be very grateful for in my life. The future is unknown and when I go there in my head its truly painful. But today the five of us are together and we are all ok and that's so precious and truly a gift.

My fear of the future is always there and fuelled by the reality of Jayden's condition, the knowledge of other families children also fighting cancer and the very real truth that many lose that fight.

The other day I received a text from a wonderful lady and friend who I met in the beginning of this nightmare. We were on ward 5a and Jayden was recovering from brain surgery and no one yet knew he had also contracted meningitis. This family shared a room with us for sometime with their beautiful daughter whom also had brain surgery for a tumour.

Both loving parents, wonderful people and a truly beautiful baby girl. She wrote in her text that Their baby girl had lost her fight with cancer. I truly wish that there had been something i could have done or changed for this family so that they would not have suffered such a tragic loss and now live the pain of life without her.

It makes me ask the question again and again, "why?" Why any child? I wish I knew the answer for it makes no sense that this should happen to any child.

When you enter this world of childhood cancer you forever know sadness and pain. Not just your own but others travelling similar journeys. Your life is no longer ignorant of this dreadful disease and the knowledge of its destruction is devastating. A constant reminder of my sons unknown future and the very real fear of what could lie ahead.

Every time I turn on my computer I read about another families fight or loss and its truly crushing. It's crushing because you know their journey all too well and the helplessness of not being able to change it is overwhelming.

My son is well today. He's smiling and he's doing what normal two year olds do. He may not be as steady on his feet and he may not hear as well but he is with me. For that I am eternally grateful and for that I never take a second of my time with him for granted. No mother or parent with a child with cancer or any serious illness for that matter, does.

Hearing of my friends loss of her beautiful child made me sad, scared and guilty. sad for her and her family, scared for Jayden's future and guilty that I can still hold my child while she mourns hers.

Truly this is tricky. Im constantly searching for ways to manage life as it is for me now and today was no different. I went and saw a woman today who is a Buddhist teacher. She took the time to meet with me and the moment I walked into her room I started balling. I was a little embarrassed as I wasn't there to be counselled, only to see what meditation and classes they had to offer. But whenever i find myself in a strangers company who asks me my story, out it comes. Like Niagara falls, a flood of tears and emotions kept inside everyday just to cope with the day comes pouring out.

I had purchased a book titled "Buddhism for mothers" that a lovely person suggested i read and After reading some of it Last night I thought it was worth looking further into it. So here I sat with this woman today balling my eyes out and letting her know why I was there. She was honest and frank, she said " there is no quick fix to your pain. What you are going through is enormously stressful and no faith or learning will take that away. " I knew she was right, that there is no quick fix, as much as i wish there were. I know that this is my life and what i need is help to live it as well as I possibly can for the sake of my family and myself . I said this to her and she believes through meditation I will learn to quiet my mind and get moments of peace. I'm going to my first session on Tuesday.

I sit here now with my two big kids watching a movie on TV and I'm so grateful for this moment.
my little man is snoozing in bed and I'm looking forward to joining him. Jayden's had a good day today, better than the previous ones and not as quiet as he has been. More smiles. But he does have a cold, again. He's also still got his cough. It has never really gone. I still panic every time he coughs as it use to be the first sign that he was going to vomit. I know I'll never stop worrying, or fearing the future and the news of my friends beautiful baby girl fuels the fear, the worry and the sadness.

I wish more than anything a cure for childhood cancer be found, so no more children suffer this dreadful disease and no more parents lose their precious children.

It truly sucks.

I can only hope like every other parent with a child with cancer that Jayden be that % we are all given. I can only hope my son is one of the 10% and like my doctor said "miracles do happen and you just have to believe Jayden is one of them".
I just have to believe, hope and never, ever give up.

Jayden and his big brother in their matching pjs tonight :)

Jayden at our neighbours house, olives! Yum!

Big smiles today! yah for them :)

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