It's late, I'm not sure what woke me up but I'm thinking it was Jayden thrashing about. He's not been sleeping well lately and neither have I and I'm hoping its just the cold he and I both have at the moment. It's definitely taking the last drop of energy out of me lately and I'm really struggling with that as well as everything else.
So I've woken and can't get back to sleep. Not unusual but annoying all the same. My mind is on today and the events that took place.
I've tried to write this entry so many times and deleted it every time as I can't seem to find the right words to truly describe how tragic it is to go to the funeral of a little boy that had the same condition as Jayden and was once our inspiration and hope. He was such a beautiful little man and when we saw him while Jayden was in hospital we would look at him and think "I hope our son gets to be where he is". I still remember the day his mother phoned us to tell us the very sad news that he had relapsed. Gutted. Cannot even begin to imagine how she must have felt.
He continued to fight but sadly A tragic turn of events would occur and I was now attending his funeral. Gut wrenching, heartbreaking and so very sad and again, I cannot even begin to imagine what his beautiful mother is feeling.
A strong and wonderful lady who
I've always admired and even more so, if that's possible, when I saw her today.
There are no words to truly describe how tragic today was. It makes no sense, it never will and my heart breaks for this beautiful family.
Amongst the people that were attending were women who had lost their children to this disgusting disease and other mothers with children with cancer. I met some who I had been in contact with over the Internet but I had never met face to face. Beautiful women, no words can describe how truly inspirational, kind and just wonderfully caring these women are.
I stood there watching them all at seperate times as we waited to go into the chapel and thought how tragic it is so many mums are dealing with this day in and day out. its not until you enter this world do you realise the magnitude of it. How many families there are out there and how many children are fighting this horrific disease. Too many.
Each of us have our own story to tell and each equally tragic. No cancer is a "good one" particularly when you are talking about your child. Some may have a better prognosis but they are all crap and the feelings and emotions attached to this journey are the same. Sadness that your child has this disease, fear of the unknown future, anger-why my child and confusion as to how to live this "new normal" life after treatment ends. And now at this funeral the feeling of utter despair is amongst us all, no more so than the beautiful mother and family of this most precious little boy. None of it makes sense. And as most of us try to make sense of our life with childhood cancer this mother now has to make sense of a life without her son because of it.
So I lay here watching my son sleeping and the fear of losing him is so overwhelming and none more so than when i stood at this funeral today. and i wish this mother was watching her son near her too. i wish she was still holding him in her arms and i wish she had a lifetime of cuddles with him. Like all the mothers there today and all over the world I wish the same. For I know, we know, the agonising pain of having a child diagnosed with Cancer and the very real fear of losing them to it.
Little Harvey was a true treasure to this world and I know each and everyone of us there today will never forget his beautiful face, he's wonderful smile and he's heroic fight.
We live and breathe it everyday and our hearts ache to know another mother has lost their child to this utterly shit disease. The feelings of 'who will be next' are overwhelming and the thought of it continuing is truly devastating. No mother should have to bury their child, no mother should have to feel that pain. And in this modern day no excuses are good enough as to why there is no cure.
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