Wednesday, 5 June 2013

An email

I received an email the other day and I haven't stopped thinking about the person who wrote it. It was from a lovely lady from the states who is now living this very same nightmare with her daughter. She began it on the same date as Jayden, only exactly one year later. This year.

I'm pleased she reached out to me and I'm glad through this incredibly awful journey I'm able to help someone to not feel so alone. At least i hope I've done that. i truly feel for her. This journey is so personal and no one truly knows how shockingly heartbreaking it is unless they are living it. I wouldn't even say that I know how she feels exactly because I don't, but I do know what it feels like for me to travel this dreadful journey. How it feels to watch your child suffer and to pray everyday that what you are allowing them to do to your child will save them and prevent you living the most devastating loss imaginable.

Im thinking about this lady and her journey. how One day her life was normal, and the next it's changed forever. Changed so dramatically it's impossible to imagine and you wouldn't want to.

I still to this day struggle with this new "normal" life we live and still grieve for the life we once had. Every morning when I drop my kids off to school I am reminded of what we once had, what every mother I now know with a child with cancer once had. I understand her struggle to come to terms with the loss of our previous life, as I still haven't. Her rage, her sadness, fear, unbelievable dismay. I've said before that when you enter this world of childhood cancer it doesn't stop, you will always know stories of children suffering, parents so sad you cannot put words to their emotions, grief that no parent should have to endure and treatments that no human let alone a child should have to endure.

In her email She told me her story and it bought back so many memories and heartbreak. Every time I think of those early days, when we were living in total disbelief for what has happened to our child I feel emotions so strong and overpowering that I have to shut the thoughts down. At night time when I try to sleep I often get flashbacks of procedures, my sons scared face or hear his cries of those times in my mind and I shudder, try desperately to block them out and think of something else. Even when I'm driving the car or doing a load of washing a thought flashes before me and throws me into a wave of emotions. "Memories never die" I heard a man say recently and he is so correct. those memories we will live with forever. I can only hope with time that they will be replaced or at least pushed aside with a lifetime of happy ones.

It's at night time that I have always struggled the most. When everyone is asleep and I'm awake as always, alone with my thoughts. Now as I sit in our kitchen alone I am thinking about the lady that wrote to me and her beautiful daughter. I'm trying not to think about what she is going through now but I am thinking about her and wishing I could give her some helpful words of wisdom or something that will help her through this. But I know the only words she wants to hear is "everything is going to be okay". Just as she wants to be able to say those words to her daughter and know them to be true. I know they are the words I long to hear. The words I would give my heart and soul to hear."everything is going to be ok". What I wouldn't give to hear them, what I wouldn't give to know that were the case. And what I would t give to be able to say them to my son and know with every inch of my being that they were true.

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1 comment:

  1. Gosh Liesl if it were iras simple as believing in the law of attraction and the power of positive thinking then I whole heartedly believe Jayden is going to be ok. Think of your wonderful family daily. X