Thursday, 27 June 2013

Another day

Jayden fell asleep within seconds of turning the light off tonight. He was so very tired. I'm not sure why though as he did less today than the day before but a lot more tired today. I hope he's ok.

I took him to our local GP today as he's still got his cold and is coughing a lot at night. It's been really worrying Danny and I as it seems to be getting worse rather than better.

The GP however said it looked to him like a virus so no antibiotics necessary. I was very relieved as I definitely wanted to avoid any more antibiotics in his system. He has already had a lifetimes supply of those and every type imaginable.

I really like the GP we see now. He's got to know us all well and knows everything about Jayden. He's the person who put me on to the psychologist I see now and I'm very grateful. She's been really helpful and it's been a good thing to be able to release all my emotions, thoughts and fears every Wednesday with her. It has definitely made a difference, even if just a small one to my life.

I know everything wont be fixed with a few visits to a psychologist but it certainly gives me understanding and a place to safely vent without feeling as though I'm burdening anyone. A good thing for me to do.

Jayden had a good day today, he spent it at home hanging out with us and the afternoon he visited our beautiful Italian neighbour. I really love her. She's known me since I was 12 and been our neighbour all that time, just a beautiful person. Jayden loves going to see her and she has so much time for him. She's not very well as she has a heart condition but when she sees Jayden she lights up, and you would never know she was ill. She just loves him. Her husband too. They love him so much that they too are effected deeply by his condition and fear the future. When we talk about Jayden her husband gets very upset and can't discuss Jayden's condition. When they came to see him in hospital her husband would have to walk out of the room because he would cry. Eventually he just couldn't come, they are so overwhelmed with emotion every time they are with Jayden and you still see a tear in her husbands eyes when he looks at Jayden sometimes. beautiful man, beautiful couple. very lucky to have them as neighbours.

It's late now and everyone is asleep and as always I'm left to my thoughts and own company. Both of which aren't much fun but at least I'm not crying into my pillow. Well not yet anyway, and hopefully not later either.

I spend a lot of my time during each day thinking, as much as I try not too, I do. Everything I see and do makes me think of our life now. the eyes I see through now are very different to those I did before. Everything is different and I often feel like I'm living in a world within this world. A totally different one from the one before childhood cancer touched our lives. It's sad and lonely often and the most comfortable I am is around other people living in this world of childhood cancer too. Because it really is like nothing of our previous normal life. Like a round ball into a square hole, it just doesn't work. Its difficult. So i get about my life trying to manoeuvre through that square hole and live as normal a life as possible but inside really just wanting to scream and cry and wish this whole damn nightmare away. But It's not going anywhere and i just have to learn somehow to live with that.

I look at my boy everyday and feel so blessed to have him with me. To be in his company, hear him speak, laugh and watch him smile. To cuddle him when he's crying and to just cuddle him for cuddles sake. It's truly a blessing. I know everyday is a gift, i try to find a place in my mind to have real acceptance of that but whenever i go there it makes me So very sad. i really wish that all my love and appreciation for my little man could be bottled up and given to him as a cure, for i have bucket loads to give.

Having a "I'm not smiling for you", day again today.

My little rascal. I can never truly put words to how very much I love him for words alone are just not enough.

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