Tuesday, 11 June 2013

At what point do you know you have really lost the plot emotionally? When you feel like your operating on auto pilot because there's no energy for anything else and what you really want to do is collapse in a heap?
At what point do you know it's all gone to far.

If I knew those answers I'd know where I was at, but I don't and I certainly don't know how much more I am able to sustain. One minute I think I'm doing ok and the next I've done a total 180 and gone back down hill. I'm not even sure if I'm making any sense anymore and god knows my life has ceased to.

I went to the doctors yesterday who asked me a lot of questions that again I felt I couldn't articulate my answers properly but if he just asked me to explain how I feel most of the time I would have said, barely hanging in there. I thought with time I would feel better. I thought with time I'd get use to this life and I thought with time I would get some peace with everything. But instead with time I feel worse, crazier, mentally exhausted and desperately in need of time out from all of this. The thread that keeps me together feels thinner and thinner everyday And come every afternoon I feel i have nothing left.

My doctors solution was to change antidepressants and has given me a referral to see a clinical psychologist which I was finally able to make an appointment with for tomorrow. But none of this is going to be fixed overnight, which at the moment I wish that to be the case as I really don't feel like I can do much more.

I don't even know how my husband feels anymore because the sheer mention of everything to him and he shuts down. I know him well enough to know when he's not listening and i know he definitely doesn't want to hear what I have to say when it comes to all of this. His coping mechanism is to forget about it all and it will be fine. Mine couldn't be more opposite and how I wish men and women understood each other better. So most days I find myself living a very lonely existence with my only outlet this blog.

Today I was fortunate to have a friend see the obvious when I visited her this afternoon. I really didn't think I was that transparent but to someone as intuitive as her I was. She walked into our house later in the afternoon after i had left hers and I couldn't have been more relieved to see anyone as I was to see her. She had entered at a point where my levels of stress had reached boiling point and the simple task of preparing dinner felt like dragging ten tonnes of wood across a desert plain. When she walked in she instantly began to help. she helped stir the dinner as we talked, wiped the table for me and played with my kids and gave me the hug I so desperately needed before she left. The simplest things seem so hard sometimes and to have a hand like that and an understanding ear was so needed.

I have a beautiful husband, the best kids in the world and I love them so very much. But I spend so much of my days trying so hard to keep it together to enjoy them. So much of my time working at keeping it happy in the house, normal and as memorable as possible. Inside however I'm crumbling. At what point will it stop. At what point will I feel remotely normal again or is this as good as it gets?




A photo of my little man out for lunch with danny and I together, really nice time.


Jayden with his best mate yesterday. Loves her :)


Tonight with his sunnies. He's just so beautiful. Love my kids. :)

2 comments:

  1. Are you trying too hard to be all things to all people? Are you being too hard on yourself? Do you set aside time each day to decompress, even if it's only 15 minutes? Simple thoughts for something so complex, I know. Though I can not say I have been through what you have, your pain is so strong I could feel it

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  2. Hi Leisl,
    Sweetie you must get a grip of yourself,as if you get something badly wrong with you,how will everyone cope,especially Jayden.& you will feel worse.Myself I feel Jayden is going to be fine.
    I have been reading an article about THE ZAPPER by Hulda Clark.It is helping thousands of people with all ailments.A friend has just brought one.
    Please read up on it & the comments from all over the world.They are $165,& I have got thru 15 years cancer free from stomach cancer,& I went all natural.So I cant see the harm in trying anything that will keep us healthy.
    Much love & special blessings
    June

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