I'm sitting in my kitchen again, everyones asleep in the house. I know I need to sleep as well but sleep just isn't my best friend and so, I'm here instead. It's either this or laying awake in bed tossing and turning and thinking about everything. Everything being the usual stuff but now also of a beautiful family we met through this awful nightmare.
Another beautiful passing of a truly beautiful boy. a true warrior and hero, so bloody tragic. I'm so saddened by having to write these stories in my blog and feeling as if its only a matter of time before its my child I'm writing about, and that nothing bloody changes.
No promise of more money from the government for childhood cancer research so no major break throughs with a cure. Truly, how many children have to die before something changes??
This little boy whom I will name for I want you to google him, find his mothers blog and please send her a message of support. Harvey, Harveythecureageouslion.blogspot.com
He was a beautiful child whom had so much courage and determination to keep on going against all the odds and against everything that was thrown at him. A wonderful mother and family who were with him all the way with the same courage and determination to fight this beast.
I don't even know the right words to write anymore. No words seem powerful enough or strong enough to describe how unfair this is. none of it makes sense and absolutely none of it is fair.
This beautiful little man did nothing to deserve what has happened to him, nothing and nor did his family. It's just so damn sad.
His mother would have to be one of the most inspirational women I have met. We first met her when Jayden had begun his induction chemo and I remember what struck me most about her was how strong and positive she was. She came to visit us in hospital when harvey would have his MRIs and was always an inspiration to us, a way to look forward. I have always been in awe of her strength and ability to move forward no matter what, I can see where her little man got his strength from.
Now I sit here thinking of her as I do many of the women I have met travelling this journey and wish I had a magic wand to change it all for all of us.
If only it were that easy.
If only it were that easy, I know I wish that were my life-easy, and when I say 'easy' I mean childhood cancer free, and I have no doubt this family does too.
Instead the new normal where childhood cancer is in our face every second of everyday and there is no where to hide, exists. That no matter what I do it doesn't go away. I live and breathe it as do all parents with children with cancer and it is no doubt the toughest road We have ever travelled. But this road, this road, has no end.
I'm sitting here and suddenly get a wave of anxiety, a need to burst into tears and cry out for help. Im scared I really am going crazy. that on the outside I'm saying and doing the right things to appear normal but on the inside I'm drowning. it now seems a much harder task to be normal and sometimes i walk away from a conversation and I have no idea what I've said. I am so very scared. I feel like I'm not going to get through this bloody nightmare sometimes and I don't know how the women who lose their children to this f#**ed cancer do. It's so damn messed up. I just hate it.
There are moments where i think I'm coping and doing ok, like last night when we went out with friends but then it seems so short lived. that i wake the next morning right back where i started. I feel crap for talking about my issues when i know another mother is suffering far worse. How i wish i could change it for her, for all of us.
what she is suffering is what I'm afraid of, its what keeps me awake at night and its what fuels my tears and sadness. I have no idea how she will get through her days and i feel for her deeply.
This is the scariest, saddest journey ever and with every passing of every child I feel more anxious. I feel more frustrated with the system, devastated for the families and really damn scared for my son.
I need to sleep, I know that as I can't end this blog. I could rant for ages as I feel like a big bag of emotions but I'm going to try to sleep instead.