Jayden has a dreadful cold and cough. He spent most of the night coughing and every time he coughed I felt my self get anxious about the possibility of a vomit following. It didn't, and I'm so grateful.
It's Saturday morning and he woke super early as always and smiling, as always. First thing he tells me is he loves me and second is, can we get up. His smile just warms my heart but also makes me sad inside as the thought enters my mind of one day not seeing that smile. I shake it best I can and embrace him in a huge hug and take him into the kitchen where we make pancakes for breakfast.
He and his brother are now outside, all rugged up as its very cold, playing football. Well, Luke's playing football and I think Jayden's just retrieving the ball for him. Either way Jayden is just happy to be with Luke. Love the weekends.
The last few days my anxiety has hit an all time high and I'm really beginning to think if I don't take action soon I'm truly going to go mad. I rang to make an appointment to see a clinical psychologist after I nearly lost it cooking dinner. No one was with me at the time, I was on my own but I seriously felt so stressed I thought i was going to collapse. I had to leave a message as I'm sure she had probably finished work for the day but hopefully I will hear from her come Monday and finally get the ball rolling with some help.
I take antidepressants that are meant to help with anxiety but I feel they are failing me or I need to step them up. Really don't want to do that and hopefully with some counselling I won't have too.
On Thursday I went into a radio station and did an interview to help raise money for PMH, the children's Hospital that treated Jayden. Sadly I think I did a dismal job as my anxiety levels were so high I couldn't concentrate properly on the questions that were asked of me, didn't answer them correctly or with the articulation I would have liked and spent most of the interview crying and making excuses for that. Pathetic. What's worse is I've spent the last few days beating myself up about it when I should be focusing on my little man.
My mate highlighted that to me the other night. I told her I felt I wasted an opportunity that maybe I could have made a difference with. She told me that Jayden is what you are making a difference with and that's what's important. She's right I know that, I just wish my inner emotions got that too. I know my little man will always know he's loved, above all else he knows that. My mission for everyday is for him to know that, feel that and never doubt it. For so long I felt like I failed him in that when I couldn't stop what was happening to him and now I feel like I want and need to make it up to him 100 times over.
Danny and I are going out tonight with another couple who have travelled this journey. It will be the second time we have been out this year which is a record and we are both very much looking forward to seeing this wonderful couple. I will miss Jayden terribly but his Nanna is going to be with him and the kids and he loves that, as they do. So I know he will be fine.
A few glasses of wine is probably just what I need and some time out. Although I know there is really no time out, certainly no time out from my thoughts and emotions. But with everyday I remind myself how lucky I am to have all my children with me, and no matter how anxious and stressed, sad and lonely I feel, I know that today, like yesterday is a blessing.
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