Had a bit of a cranky day yesterday that was spurred on by being at the school waiting for Layla's bus to arrive. I know I'm really not at that place to stand around and chit chat with other mums and I wish I were. I try but it's not long before I find myself frustrated and angry at the world and know its just better to walk away. It's disappointing as I use to know many of them well to chat too and use to enjoy seeing their faces. Now I just want to hide and avoid any conversation as I just don't feel I have anything to say anymore that would interest them. A simple conversation with two mums talking about their children having their tonsils removed and how they are going to have to go to hospital and i suddenly feel ill and reminded how none of these women have any idea where I'm at. i could have stood there and said "aren't you lucky, if only". but i just chose to go home and wait for the bus from the comfort of my front lawn and in the boundaries of our home that i feel the most safest. sometimes i think i have serious mental issues, but truly this is the only way i can deal with this without yelling at someone or balling my eyes out.
the bus finally arrived and i raced down to see her with luke. so nice to see her little face, love my big girl. i mentioned before that i had a cranky day. I didn't realise how cranky I was until a car beeped us of the road that we were walking on and I found myself hurling abuse at them. Dumb. When they drove off I thought" what on earth was I thinking and where the hell did that come from". It's a sharp realisation that people have so much more going on inside them and we are so quick to judge them if they get cranky, yell, scream whatever. Clearly I do. I felt awful afterwards as that person had every right to beep us as we shouldn't have been on the road. And what a terrible way to behave in front of my kids. God this journey is hard at the most simple moments.
It no doubt doesn't help that I was annoyed before with mums and their trivial stuff that I would love to be those mums. That its so damn frustrating to feel on the outer all the time and no matter how much I try not to be its just the way it is and no running away from it. There are mums out there who do "get it" though and I'm lucky to have found them. The ones that openly say " I know my problems aren't anything like yours, I can't even imagine how your life is and I feel awkward talking about my trivial stuff", kind women who i now have as friends.
It's Saturday morning and all my kids are home, playing and just hanging out. Love being in their company and what a difference it is to have Layla back.
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