Friday, 28 June 2013

Luke got up before all of us this morning. When Jayden woke with his usual smile he noticed Luke wasn't in his bed and trotted off by himself to find him. He's never ever got out of bed before without me, always insists I come too and won't even go with dad if dad wants to let me have a sleep in. I don't mind of course as I love getting up with my little man and having our cup of tea together on the couch. But today he trotted off on his own.

I must have gone back to sleep for a little while and when I woke to see him gone I panicked a little however I knew he would most definitely be wherever Luke was. Although sometimes that's not such a good thing. Anyway I walked to the lounge room where I could hear their voices and peered behind the door. There they sat on the couch squeezed up to each other looking through Luke's footy album at all his football cards. I decided not to ruin this moment and went back to bed. I didn't sleep, just laid there thinking about my beautiful boys until I heard them again in the playroom. I got up and saw them squished together next to the heater, all smiles.

Jayden loves his brother so much and follows him around everywhere. I commented on that to Luke and he smiled. "I hope he doesn't die mum", luke said back to me. That certainly pulled the carpet from beneath my feet and I said "me too, darling". You never really know how much your kids understand or what they are thinking. I had no idea until then that Luke thinks about that, I always thought he had thought everything was back to the way it was now. Obviously he is far more switched on than I had imagined. He then asked me. " will he die soon mum? Not until he is big and old, right mum?". How do you answer those questions honestly? Fortunately I don't honestly know the right answer, only the statistics and other people's experiences so I was able to say " I don't know Luke but I hope he doesn't die until he is big and old too". He seemed to be satisfied with that. All the while Jayden was present jumping on his mini trampoline seemingly uninterested in our conversation but I couldn't help but wonder that he was in fact listening. And hoped he understood very little. I know he's been present during a lot of conversations like that in the past in hospital and i wonder how much he takes in or even understands. hopefully very little. i always try not to have them in front of him now though as he gets older because i worry what he understands and don't want to worry him unnecessarily but I think because I was having this one with Luke he didn't really think much of it.

We have had a lovely morning and the boys have been great although a few disagreements have been had. Overall though i know they love the weekends where they can hang out together and no school. hurry up school holidays which are only a week away. sadly we aren't going away these school holidays but it will be so nice to be together anyway.
Have to think of some things to do for day visits.

This morning has been a good start to the weekend. Happy faces, happy kids, hope I get a lifetime of these days with my two boys together.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. Hi Leisl.
    So happy you are getting some help,as mums all over the world truly go thru a lot,so we need to try & keep healthy,which is very hard when a child is not well.Love your blogs,you are amazing.
    Oh & Jayden is just soooo gorgeous,in fact all your children are.
    Special Blessings
    June xxxx

  2. I love you and your family. I feel as though I know them! My husband and I just shared a LOT of time with my Granddaughters during the past few weeks, and I felt a lot of healing with my sons and daughter-in-law and the girl 'cousins' having such a good time at fairs and boardwalks, just 'playing'. No time constraints, no fusses, no worries, no problems....just all of us playing and having fun on the nicest days in a long time! I am hoping years and years of the same for you and yours! Such happiness. I long for it, and push past the sad moments to the joyous ones. I never forget my Little EJ, I have him with me all the time, and to feel good doesn't make me love him less, forget him, or make me feel guilty. I still cry about what he endured, what my kids go through, feel relief for my Angel that his suffering is over, miss him like crazy, but I look forward to that day when I will see him again, and know we all just have today, so I try to keep my focus on what's before me, because the past can't be changed. It's over. I keep in my heart all I hold dear, and try to make today better, because of all we've been through. Enough self induced suffering. There are plenty of good things to dwell on, I need not allow my moments robbed, I need only to focus on the life and lives before me, and love each moment I can.