Sunday, 23 June 2013

Sunday morning, Jayden woke up his happy self. His smile makes me melt and every time I see it I hope I see it on an older boy, a teenager and a man. There are no guarantees in this world, I know that, but I miss the thoughts of the future that were once filled with his and now replaced with the unknown. I miss that.

I went through photos the other day in an attempt to make up a photo book that I bought a voucher for not so long ago. Of course I found the photos of Jayden before he was diagnosed. it never gets easy to look at those photos. the heartache of not having that time is still raw. his beautiful face and innocent smile.
he still has his beautiful smile but it is no longer the innocent little baby he was. he has endured and lived through experiences that most of us wouldn't experience in a lifetime. But he keeps on smiling.

its lunchtime and we are off to meet family for lunch. no time in my life has the importance of family stood out more for me than it has through this experience. I'm so glad we have ours.

It's evening now and I'm sitting in the hallway of our home. I can't sleep and am near where my phone charges. Conveniently I can also hear my kids sleeping. Luke is snoring with his awful cold and he often chats at night which he has been tonight.

I tried to sleep, but nothing. Just my brain racing through thoughts I wish I could erase. A wave of memories rushing in and out of the past and feelings of fear of the future. We had a great day together as a family today and I wish that's what I was thinking about but instead it's my mind going where I wish I could stop it going. I took a sleeping tablet which I hate doing as I always feel awful the next day but its either that or stressing for another couple of hours into the night. Just a matter of time and I will hopefully be wanting to actually sleep.

Some photos of today:

Jayden very happy with his Nanna. Loves his Nanna.

Some special time with his Auntie Heidi.
So lucky to have such a wonderful family.

It really was a beautiful day. The kids were happy which always makes me happy and god how I wish that we get so many more days like this. That we get a lifetime of smiles, cuddles and beautiful memories.

Time to go to sleep, finally.

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