I looked at all the photos and it bought so many emotions up inside. A collection of memories altogether in one place. Priceless. Feelings of sadness to not be doing it anymore and a longing to return.
I tried a diary, my Facebook page but it just wasnt the same. So I found myself thinking what is left? My dad urged me to return, as he strongly believed it was the reason I've been able to get through this so far, and deep in my heart I know that too. Sitting with my thoughts and not releasing them in some way is not healthy for me nor in anyway productive.
Many wonderful people wrote to me since I closed it and gave me such beautiful feed back that it made me look at my decision again.
Although it felt like at the time the only decision I could make.
I questioned myself in the last couple of days, who do I write it for? I know first and foremost I write it for myself, secondly for my family and friends who I don't often see or cant because they live so far away. I write it also for other mums living the same nightmare and often feel I am sharing thoughts with them which has become so precious to me and comforting, through these pages i have met many of those mums and i cherish each and everyone of them as my friends now. I write it for childhood cancer awareness. It is very important to me that people have learnt from my experience, that they now hold their children closer and appreciate the things they once took for granted. That's a great thing. That they now also have a better understanding of childhood cancer and the life that exists within this world. That's truly so important too.
And I write it for my children. its a journal of experiences and feelings, and although sometimes very raw and sad something I cant replace with just memories. This is a place, a journal of Jayden and our family's journey and a journal that a friend wrote to me recently and said " a journal I could give to him at his 21st birthday". That made me smile. What a beautiful thought.
I stopped it because I was at a point that I didn't think I could manage the criticism I received. I found myself sitting on the couch on our front verandah and thinking how much easier it would be if I just died. That I would finally get a break from this never ending anxiety and sadness and the super sensitivity that it produces. It was then I realised I had reached an all time low, that I could no longer manage the simplest things as critism and it frightened me. Whether it be the approaching MRI, my inability to keep it together sometimes or just that the simple fact that this is so damn hard some days. Whatever, I just know I had to Stop it, block it out, run away, do whatever i had to do to stop these feelings and that was what I thought I had to do. So I chose to stop writing.
It was only that same morning that I had spoken to dad about Layla's issues at school and my feelings about it and he had said to me " leisl, you are operating on a much higher level of emotional stress than most people will ever get to in their lifetimes, let alone understand it. You have to not let these things get to you, don't go there in your head for it will surely tip you over and you need what strength you have for your Children". Sadly I forgot his words later that day when I had a conversation with a friend who told me what had been said. The criticism. She told me out of concern and although it cut me to the bone I understood why she did. Unfortunately the words that were said were then with me and I was left alone with them in my head. Awful place. So when i began to have thoughts of dying in order to escape the pain i was feeling, i knew i had to do something. It's hard to explain how a few words could make me feel so bad. But it wasn't just those words but the inability to cope with hearing those words. the stress of anything that once upon a time I could deal with i can no longer. My levels of emotional stress are already up there. Like on the tightrope i have mentioned before, just barely balancing. So when im already up there it doesn't take much to topple me over. So i felt my only choice was to stop writing this blog and then those people couldn't get to me, criticism couldn't then touch me and I could be free a little of the emotional stress in which i exist. But that was not to be the case.
A much clearer head a few days later and a realisation that no matter how far I run there will always be people who will judge me, people who don't like me and people who don't understand me. That's life. For everyone. I can't change that and as much as it would be nice to have everyone like us, it's not possible we are all so very different. And whats important in my life isn't that anyway. its my beautiful family whom i love very dearly, So with a big sigh of relief I have chosen to return. To remind myself of what my dad said and to focus on what's important and filter the stuff that's not important out of my mind, so I have the emotional energy for my most precious thing in the world, my children.
I was going to give myself more time away from it to think but with everyday that passes is another day without writing about my son. I don't want to forget one single day of his life and this is a way to be sure that I don't.
He is and so are my other two children my true gifts in this life. My reason to keep going and my strength to face another day. I am so grateful to have them in my life. They are the sunshine to my rain (very corny, but true ) and I will continue to write about their precious steps in life and my journey with them.
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