I Have put my little man to sleep amongst all his teddies and dad. I always just want to lay there and watch him sleep but as I begin to its not long before Layla and Luke are poking there heads in the door asking when I'm getting up.
So I'm now sitting watching a video with them, well not exactly watching but sitting. I usually wait until they go to bed before I write this but wanted to be hopefully sleeping then too. Probably wont be but I can always hope.
I have felt very numb today, like my mind getting ready for the next onslaught of anxiety. I don't know what to think anymore and am so at a loss. Very very frightened.
We went to a park today and Jayden and the kids had a beautiful time. I love to see Jayden doing things that other kids his age are doing. He always squeals with delight when he sees another playground and just loves trying all the equipment.
There were a lot of other parents there with their kids as its a busy park and for a small part I watched them. I tried to remember what it was like to watch my children and not think about the future but assume they have one. Not worry if they will make it to their next birthday but instead be planning what i will be doing with them. I tried. But it's not there. It's not there anymore and it never will be. I now know life can change in a second, for it did for us and so dramatically. And i can no longer think that way. Instead i have a 3 monthly plan that is purely dictated by a MRI. the next of which is this thursday. I try to convince myself that I'm not any more anxious than usual and its the same stuff i feel everyday. But that's delusional. Inside its eating at me and I let it out in ways that make me stop and realise. I get crankier than normal with everyone and feel like i constantly need a good damn cry. But that cry just wont come in fear that once it does it wont stop. Instead I try to remain strong.
Jayden went to sleep in the car the other day and when I parked in our driveway, turned off the engine I sat behind the steering wheel and quietly wept. No one was with us. Just Jayden sleeping soundly in his chair and me in the front with my tears. The weather was cold, raining gently but everything seemed a blur. As far as I felt it was just Jayden and I and nothing else. I was only there a few minutes when our old Italian neighbour next door , jenny saw me. It's not often I cry in front of her as I know it upsets her but this day she caught be off guard. She walked up to the window, saw Jayden in the back and blessed him then looked at me. In a gentle, kind voice she said to me "You have to be strong leisl. For your other two kids, you have to be strong". I wiped away the tears "I know Jenny" I said "it's just hard". She nodded, rubbed my shoulder and left.
I sat there in my car and I know she is right. I have to be strong, I am being strong but I'm so sick of being strong because strong is so bloody hard. Strong is painful, strong is exhausting and strong is just damn hard.
A big part of me just wants to be weak. Crawl up in the foetal position and ball my eyes out until there are no more tears. Run out into the streets and scream " how shit childhood cancer is". Shake the next person senseless who tells me how hard it is that their kids all have colds, and scream at them to "listen to themselves! ". And some people whom I won't name or hint at i'd just like to scream at for being such self centred twats. and once I'm done screaming go back to that foetal position and remain there.
I don't. I keep it together because that's what I have to do. Remain strong, don't scream yell or behave badly, just be strong. Be strong for my other two kids as Jenny says. Be strong. I'm so sick of bring strong. When I look at my children they give me the strength to carry on and be the strong person I need to be. But when I'm on my own with my thoughts I just want to be weak.
I hope with all my might that one day I have some reprieve from this endless journey of being strong. That Jayden will be an old man and I will be smiling at him knowing he got there. I want to have that day with all my children. that day, where I can breathe again without pain and no longer have to be, strong.
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