Tuesday, 2 July 2013

I watched my daughter this evening work her magic with Jayden and I'm in awe of her. She has a genuine gift that enables her to calm him when he's in his wildest rages. I call them a rage for they are definitely far worse than any tantrum I've seen and an oncologist once told me they can be referred to as "chemo brain". Awful stuff. Both Danny and I pull out all the stops when he's having one and sometimes it works but most times it doesn't and we just have to ride them through, which can often be quite sometime. they usually begin as a tantrum and if he is tired enough will quickly turn into a rage. When this happens he can't be consoled, cuddled, nothing, Except when Layla does it. I have no idea what makes it different because often she is saying and doing similar things to us, it's just different. She did it tonight when he had one after his bath and I watched her in awe. It's as if when she speaks, everything shuts down for him and he's able to listen. Truly amazing stuff. I watched her and was so proud that she is such a caring and loving sister. She loves her brother so much and has so much time for him and he just adores her.

So when she comes home like she did today in floods of tears I'm truly confused. As a mother its crushing to watch and even more difficult to understand why. You never really know the full story behind girls and their issues at school and its difficult not to be biased when it comes to your own children. Watching her tonight and how generally helpful and caring she is around the house, how intuitive she is with her brothers, the way she cares for all her animals and then knowing she has problems with friends, well it just difficult to understand.
I hate seeing her go through this stuff, always have, but 100 times more so now. I feel I have a 100 times larger sensitivity chip placed in my brain since this nightmare began and that when it comes to my kids it's working overtime. I hate seeing them cry, upset or struggling in anyway. I just don't want them to have anymore heartache whatsoever. They may have so much more to come and I just want to spare them as much of it as humanly possible.

It's difficult. Really difficult. Difficult to function on any normal level when I'm already emotionally stressed. Difficult to deal with your child's problems without getting overly worried about them. Difficult for anyone to understand that emotional stress and difficult to understand why they don't.

I went to my psychologist today and talked about living day today at that level of emotion. That I get times where I feel numb after weeks of feeling emotionally stressed and then back to that state shortly after. like a wave rushing in and out. She told me that's the normal process of grief. The grief we talked about last time, ambiguous grief. Except this never stops. I was relieved again, to have an understanding of my emotional state but wished it was different, some quick fix to make it all stop and be given back my ability to function normally again.

Tonight I'm on my own again and thinking not just of Jayden but all three of my kids. They are so young and so innocent yet have already been exposed to so much. I wish I could wrap them all up and protect them from all the hurt and pain in this world forever, and see them smile everyday, all day, for the rest of their lives. And i hope more than anything in the world they get to all grow old together.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1 comment:

  1. Oh Leisl, you are so normal. I often refer to myself as the paranoid parent on steroids. We know a life so different from the norm. It's most definitely, atypical. Everything is atypical, even our children's existence will be as a result of this life we have. It is all completely normal for us. The word 'difficult' does not even scratch the surface when we try to describe our effort to find the silver lining. How can there be one? There is one, I can assure you. But it is a very personal journey how we all find it. But I promise you, it is there.
    I try to think about what my best friend says about the way we grew up, without much supervision, on our bikes in the neighborhood, learning how to deal with life through our own instincts. And while the world is certainly not what it was 20-30 years ago, we have a responsibility to the future independence of our kids in adulthood to try to provide them some sort of that reality, referring to Layla's troubles at school. Listening sometimes is the best thing we can do for them. And I know, and I haven't even met her, she will continue to be an incredible girl, person, woman and mother throughout her lifetime for the life she shares with you all right now. Compassion beyond belief. She will truly make a difference in this world for all that she experiences today. I hope that brings you some comfort... xoxoxo