Wednesday, 10 July 2013

I went to bed early tonight in the hope i would get a decent night sleep. last night was a shocker and i felt it all day, made for a particularly long day today. Danny stayed up with the kids, Luke and Layla while i went to bed with Jayden. but instead of sleeping i lay awake thinking. I watched ny little man for a while and wanted so much to be sleeping instead of thinking, but its just not happening. honestly my mind is my worst enemy. . difficult.

luke and danny soon came to bed and Luke asked me why I wasn't asleep yet. I told him I'm trying too but I just keep thinking about stuff. "Well that's useless mum," he said. "you should have thought about sleeping."
My wise little man, must get that from his grandad.

So now I'm writing in this blog in the hope that putting my thoughts in here that I will then sleep. I also failed to blog yesterday and we had had a wonderful day. In fact one of the best days I've had in a while and I really wanted to blog it.

We all went bowling first thing in the morning. Haven't been bowling in years and Jayden has never done it. So another notch to his "things he has experienced in his life". He squealed with delight when we got there and was even more excited to see Nanna who joined us as well with two of the kids cousins.

It really was a fantastic morning and I even found myself taking moments out from not thinking about this nightmare, although short they were still moments. What a relief. Clearly that's the sort of stuff I need to do more often. Really lovely. Everyone was happy, lots of smiles and lots if fun. Love spending time together as a family and having fun. Sadly I didn't get any brilliant pictures but this day will defiantly stay in my mind filed in the 'good memories" file.

Dad helping Jayden push the ball down the ramp.

Luke so pleased with his shot!

So yesterday was a good one. Will chalk that up as a truly brilliant day.

Of course they are not always going to be like that and today was another tricky one.

First up was Playgroup and Luke came too as his friends were going to be there. It was fine but hard. When we left I found myself driving home thinking "why do I feel so much more stressed now, than before". I think it's because being in a setting amongst a whole lot of mums with normal lives is "hard". I have to try to be as normal as possible to fit in. Talk about normal stuff, laugh about normal stuff, discuss the issues of normal stuff but inside I'm truly crumbling. Fortunately these ladies are beautiful but I try hard not to burden them with what I'm really thinking and keep the conversations where most people feel most comfortable. So after a morning of that I'm truly exhausted. When I'm with my family and within the four walls of my home I can be myself. i don't have to pretend all is fine, i can just be.

I know I can't stop Jayden from experiencing life because I'm struggling so we will keep going. it's just hard.
i spoke to my psychologist about it today and she reassured me it was normal, always nice to hear my craziness and inability to cope through the most simplest tasks is 'normal'. I do hate this kind of normal though. really it sucks. Even just for a small while id like it not to be so hard. Maybe I need to fit a bowling alley in our backyard.

The other thing that happened at Playgroup was Jayden had an incident. One that I never saw because I was chatting. If there was another moment I would live to regret it was this one. What ever happened it upset him enough for him to run to the door crying and asking to go home. It was awful. I never saw what happened so I didn't get to prevent it. This might seem like nothing to some people but when he's been through so much that I have witnessed but wasn't able to stop and I get a moment where I can prevent something and don't, well that's just crap. In the last year I have Watched him plead with me so many times through tears and screams to stop what was happening to him and I couldn't. But today I could have and I didn't. Damn it hurt. I held him in my arms whilst he cried and found myself so angry
that I hadn't been watching.
Inside I felt myself feel really, really sad for him. I hate not being able to stop him getting upset, hurt, cry, anything that makes him feel bad in anyway. I really struggle with that. And disciplining him has been a huge challenge also. We are lucky that he's such a placid child around other kids and doesn't bother anyone but at home he likes to be a rascal, tipping toy boxes out, not picking up after himself arguing with his brother- the usual three year old stuff. Just I'm not doing too well getting that right. I don't want to growl at him and when I do it feels awful, especially when he cries.

He's asleep now, snoring lightly. Luke's snoring really loudly and am sure he's in competition with danny at the moment. My chances of sleeping are slowly looking worse. Sleeping tablet tonight I think.

I received a message today from a lady and i read it on my phone whilst I was at Playgroup. Wonderful thing the Internet. As I stood there in this normal setting on my own at this moment, I was able to read the words of a most courageous lady and mother who told me her story. A mother who understood. A gut wrenching sad story and one that made me not feel so alone in that moment. I wished she was there with me having a coffee. Standing by me. I know if she were i would give her the biggest hug.

One of the things she stressed was to try and live life without regrets. Words from someone who knows.
There will know doubt be moments like today that I will regret and it will be the silly little things no doubt that I will regret the most but her words I'm cementing in my mind and hope that they stay with me each day.

I already do try to enjoy every moment, even though each moment and thought contains fear and anxiety of the future I still do it. I still laugh, smile and love my kids. I hurt like hell inside often but I still get up in the morning and do my very damn best to get it right.
I know I have too because my kids are the most important thing in the world to me and they need me to do my best.

And I just love this cheeky little man to bits.

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