Sunday, 28 July 2013

Its been a few days since I've written in this blog. I haven't had the right moments to write. there's been things I've wanted to write down but then someone's needed me or I'm too tired and gone to bed. Which is a good thing because it means I've had a couple of decent nights sleep and its of course, always nice to be needed. My dad always says that, "when you get old leisl, it's really nice to be needed".

Last night I sat up and watched a movie with Layla and Luke which was lovely and the night before that I watched one with just Layla. Right now I'm laying in bed listening to my boys snoring. All three of them. Danny being the loudest, closely followed by Luke and Jayden having the sweetest sounding snore possible. Love that sound.

Luke really wanted to sleep in the bed with us tonight but there just isn't enough room and he has his bed right along side us. So we squeezed our bed so close to his that there was no longer a gap between us and he was much happier. He liked that he didn't have to worry about falling out now. Which I did t think even crossed his mind, but, there you go, it did. Once we did that he fell asleep quicker than any of them.

We had a day spent together which is always nice.I do love the weekends, school holidays and anytime that we are all together.

Yesterday we had gone and bought some balloons that the kids picked out to let go this morning in memory of a beautiful boy named Eric James Baron. It would have been his 2nd birthday today. The kids were very excited about letting them go so as soon as we had breakfast we all went outside. we talked about little Eric and why we were letting the balloons go. They each had a two balloons. The kids released the balloons together and we watched as they floated to the sky. Happy 2nd birthday Eric, you dear little man.
Luke watched in silence then said "do you think he will see them mummy". "I hope so" I replied. "Me too" he said.

We watched until we couldn't see them anymore. i stood there, thinking of little Eric and how much I wish he was celebrating his 2nd birthday with his family. How i wish his mum was holding him and all of this crappy world of childhood cancer didn't exist. There is Nothing about childhood cancer thats fair. It's not fair that children get it, it's not fair they have to suffer terrible forms of treatment and its so not fair that many do not survive. I hate it with every inch of my body and I cannot get away from the sadness of it because it is truly devastating.

Little Eric was a beautiful little boy who has a beautiful family that loved him dearly and I do not understand why he had to pass. I don't understand why and how this can happen. That my little boy also has the same disease and its scares me beyond words that one day we could be letting go balloons for him. I try really hard not to go there in my mind. Not to think about losing my son but when it's happening all around me, it's so very hard not too.

I try to focus on today and just remind myself how lucky I am that he is here with me now and enjoy that moment, be grateful for this time. But It's so hard to do that though when all your dreams of your sons future are now an unknown, his future an unknown. Will he have one.. Unknown.

All I have is hope. Hope that he will have one. One with his brother and sister. One where he gets to drive the big dump truck he told me he would drive when he got to be big. The sleepover he can have at his aunties that he said he will have when he's bigger. The light switches he cant reach now, he gets to reach. A bike to ride, a scooter, skateboard and maybe surfboard.
All the things I once took for granted my son would one day do or try, I now hope and pray for with every inch of my being.

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