Thursday, 11 July 2013

Jayden vomited today. we were standing outside the movie theatre waiting for Layla and her friend to come out and out of nowhere he threw Up.
My heart sank, and i instantly felt ill in my stomach. Danny and I diligently got organised and cleaned it up as we have done so many times before. Neither of us saying a word, just moving on auto pilot cleaning duty. Jayden was none the wiser and certainly never lets a vomit bother him as he has done so many before. These ones, out of the blue are by far the scariest. the why? the oh shit! The feeling of not being able to breath and life all of a sudden moving in slow motion. I looked up at the wall to see an advertisement for a movie that read "this is the end", and quickly looked away wishing id never saw the damn poster for now i have it in my head that its a sign.

After we cleaned it up we continued to wait and it wasn't long before Layla and her friend emerged. We got in the car and headed home, saying nothing of what happened or what we were thinking. I didn't know what danny was thinking but I was scared out of my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about it and my stomach was in knots.

When we arrived home we had a visitor and went about entertaining. All the while I was thinking of Jayden. Listening to our visitor talking and again going along with the conversation, keeping things up beat until finally they left. My dad was here too and after they left I told my dad what happened today "oh shit", he said. Nothing else. We stood there in my driveway watching Jayden play and didn't say anything else for sometime. I told him how frustrating and sad it is for me to listen to other people's problems when I'm facing such a huge thing here. He said "I know, but to them their problems are huge". I know, he's right but I can't help feel envious, jealous and really really angry. Angry about how bloody unfair this all is, why our child, why anyone's child and why the hell can't I be complaining that my kids were so sick with colds last year? It's crap, but thankfully I have my dad to ground me when I'm feeling like I just want to fly of the handle.

He and I walked over to jennys house (our neighbour) whom Jayden desperately wanted to see. We had a glass of wine with them (homemade italian wine) and chatted. Jenny made Jayden some eggs then fed him one of her famous biscuits. Both dad and i sat watching Jayden and i know what he was thinking. both of us so very concerned. for dad its for me as well. it must break his heart to see all this shit unfold.

Eventually I came home to prepare dinner, dad left and everyone wanted to eat. I found myself getting really stressed out and jumping down Danny's throat and growling at the kids. All for ridiculous crappy things. Everyone knew mum was not herself and tried their best to do the right thing, except Jayden who didn't care and continued to poor his water into his bowl and dumping the salad bit by bit into it as I tried to finish dinner. Rascal.

By the end of dinner and everyone had left the table I broke down. Danny and I talked about it all and for the first time in ages I felt he got me. He doesn't talk about everything a lot of the time so seeing a psychologist became vital to be. But tonight he did. It was refreshing to share my fears with the only other person in this world who loves our son as much as me.

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