Saturday, 13 July 2013

My anxiety levels have been at an all time high these last couple of days. I have been watching Jayden even more closely than before, if that's even possible. The slightest change in his behaviour or appearance has been sending my head in a spin.

I'm really worried. He hasn't been sleeping well and waking in the night upset. Yesterday he went for a nap in the afternoon after a very stressful afternoon with him. And didn't go to sleep till quite late last night. all seems normal to some but anything that's not the usual is enough to get me panicked.

I haven't stopped thinking about him vomiting the other day and every time he coughs I feel my hair stand on end and my heart beat faster. I'm so frightened. His MRI is Thursday and a part of me is anxious to find out and the other part just doesn't want to know. I don't feel good about it at all.

This truly is a torturous way to live. Waiting, hoping, wishing, praying. As a mother wrote to me once "waiting for the other boot to drop". Awful. Truly awful.

Last night as my boys played before bed I felt so sad. At night before bed they are always at their happiest and have a little ritual together where they wrestle, run, laugh and generally get up to no good. It's as if they are burning off any excess energy before bed. They are so funny, they think they are too. Such good buddies. It breaks my heart the thought of them ever not having each other. Truly crushing. That I may not hear that laughter one day, see them play, connect, enjoy each other. It truly saddens me beyond description.

As I tucked them both into bed and all of Jayden's teddies. He has taken To bringing as many as possible into our bed as of late and each one has to be covered with the blanket- takes some organisation and skill I have to say. I tucked them in, gave them both a kiss goodnight and told them I loved them. Snuggled into Jayden amongst the teddies careful not to mess the placement up and listened. Listened to them both chatting before they eventually fell asleep. Continued to watch Jayden as he slept and wished with all my night he was going to be ok. that his scan is clear and we get more time. I hope for a lifetime, I hope my boys get to grow old together, for it will truly break all of our hearts if they don't.

I truly don't know how mums get through this. I'm barely hanging in there and I often think of mothers I know and wonder how they manage. I think we all just hang in there as best we can.
That's all we can do.


We went to the shops yesterday and Jayden spotted a Buddha figurine. He picked it up and said "this called a boodah mum". "Jenny got one of these mum." Geez that made me smile. When i look at a Buddha now i will think of that. :)

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